Feeling Suicidal for Everything Happened
(24F) I feel like I need to die to end this humiliation cycle. I just done too many things.
I put myself in legal trouble. (No one hurted, I just have a case because of my behavior)
I screamed and yelled in public when I lost control at home.
I lost my control in public, also at hospital.
I was talking to myself 24/7 for two years. I disturbed everyone in family and when I was in psychosis I hit them.
I was very delusional, for about four months I followed a tv channel of a foreigner country to get ‘secret’ messages.
I lost myself and send hundreds of nude pictures and videos to a stranger who still threatens me.
I slept with many men and I travelled to very risky places to sleep with them.
When I come back to reality. It’s been about half a year or so. I no longer have scenarios in my mind. But I got fat. I’m fully medicated and fully aware of everything. I can see the big picture. My life is totally destroyed in last two years for this psychological disorder called psychosis. I have nothing to hold in my life except my family. I destroyed my self image. My education.
I didn’t use drugs in my life. It was genetic. And I hate it. I don’t want to remember anything. I was sexually assaulted back to few years ago, and I was just in therapy for that. Years later, I got sexually assaulted again when I was in psychosis. I still carry the burden of past and my past bad memories, and the new ones, and the psychosis. Every day I remember something I’ve done when I lost control. It’s too humiliating, and I can’t change past. I don’t want to sleep but medication is helping me to go to sleep. I remember in the past I was crying every night because of the assault. Now every night all I think is my past absurdity.