I’ve heard of skill regression but what about the loss of sense of self?
I’m in my early 30s, I found out I had ADHD in my late 20s and then realized I almost assuredly have autism a year or two later. It’s honestly been really hard to come to terms with all the times I’ve failed in life because I was quite literally warring with my own brain. It makes me sad and angry on a daily basis.
I think I’ve also been pushing through constant burnout for the last few years and feel like I’ve forgotten really who I am or what meaning I want to have for my life. I’ve dissociated through the majority of my adult life because I did not realize I’d been living life on hard mode without any kind of knowledge or help to navigate being neurodivergent let alone the knowledge that I was. Most of the time I feel like a consciousness that does the same handful of necessary things everyday (wake up, get dressed, go to work so I can pay rent and feed myself and my cats, etc. basic things) but outside of that I don’t feel a large sense of self. If I do, it feels hollow, like an echo of the idea of who I am. Otherwise I feel very detached from myself and the world around me.
I felt like my life was going in the “right direction” for being in my early 20s in America, went to college, got a degree and all that. But when the pandemic hit and I started to feel like I was regressing socially (I think we all did.) I got sucked into putting all of my energy into a shitty retail job and stopped caring about myself, just felt like I was existing to get a paycheck sometimes. Simple tasks began to feel insurmountable and then I also went through the mental toll of playing ADHD meds roulette until I found one that worked for me. (Concerta, focalin, adderall all were awful for me. Vyvanse was the one that worked but was very expensive to obtain.)
Once I was on Vyvanse the autism became very apparent and the subsequent skill regression that comes with accommodating your autism and unmasking (I still don’t really know what unmasking fully looks like for me personally.) I also just started avoiding anything that was even slightly uncomfortable, it was easy to do because I have a very loving and supportive partner who helps me every single day with my struggles. I feel guilty for how much they help, and when my PMDD rears its ugly head it tells me how much I don’t deserve them. All of it is so much to handle mentally so I think this has lead to my current state of not feeling like life has a whole lot of meaning and that I’m not capable or worthy of something better.
If you also add that the world is a shit show and trying to find any good meaning in anything while it burns, it’s really difficult to find the motivation to make my own life better. Unfortunately the misery is a comfort, I think, the evil you know vs the unknown and all that. Most days I just couch rot and think of all the things I could be doing if I just had lived my 20s differently, even though I know that’s unrealistic and unhelpful. It feels like I’m in a prison of my own mind, just kind of numb and going through the necessary motions to at least seem somewhat functional but really it’s hollow and detached.
Idk what I expect from this just wanted to get it off my chest. I’ve tried therapy but found it largely unhelpful since I’m very self-aware and can usually pinpoint why I’m feeling a certain way. I’m also losing my job at the end of the month, nearly one year later from the last time I lost my job (both times, ironically, were no fault of my own; if I’m nothing else I’m a good worker because that’s where most of my energy is spent) so trying to seek out a therapist who could help me is not a top priority right now since mental health coverage I can afford is tied to having a job. I also have not regularly been on Vyvanse for the last year for the very same reason. I struggled so much with the change of starting a new job after 10 years only to lose the next one just when I was feeling good and ready to get back into going to appointments and getting medicated and now it just feels pointless again, or maybe just too difficult.
I wish I felt like a person with a purpose again, I just don’t know how to get there when nothing feels real. Everything feels like this stupid performance we’re all forced into and I’ve forgotten all of my lines.