Help ! Lost before a diagnosis
Hello everybody !
I'm 36F, I've been wondering about having ADHD for a bit now...
I have been writing this message in my head in bed for weeks now.
It started with trying to help my mom with her mental health and wondering if she has it herself : 70F, struggling with so much stuff, being on time, losing her stuff, extremely sensitive to criticism, hoarding/very messy, very difficult for her to start doing things, definitely doing things that are not essential instead of very important things and then pulling an all nighter, skipping meals, nail biting, sound sensitivity, touch sensitivity, having trouble socialising but at the same time being very sociable...
I was doing well at work, or I thought I was, even though I was barely surviving while taking rhodiola rosea or other plants for stress and almost had a burn out untill I suddenly quit last october. After I quit my job of 7 years, I decided to change careers and get a diploma as a dietician... So now that I'm supposed to be studying on my own, I suddenly have remembered my years as a young adult, studying and how I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn't, for the life of me, do the thing. It was extremely depressing watching myself not do what I was really passionate about and then inevitably fail. And even worse : not being able to explain why. So I did that for three diplomas, my driver's licence (twice and I still don't have it) and eventually had no more money and started working in a grocery store. It felt amazing to have no more pressure, I was not living up to my potential but I was not bored out of my mind sitting in front of a computer all day for the first time. Stimulation in every direction all the time.
I can remember countless times I showed up the wrong day, wrong time or wrong place for meetings, dates, appointments, exams... I lose my stuff, I cannot clean or tidy (the mess is real, however there is a system). I am always late and in a rush, I plan too much stuff and get overwhelmed fast. I stim almost all the time with my fingers.
As a child at school, I was always daydreaming, very quiet and easy (late to school because of my mom dropping me off late). Would forget about homework, do it last minute but overall good-ish grades (could do better). I was bullied a lot in junior high school for being weird, and after that I was always very awkward socially. Saying the wrong thing, understanding things wrong etc. I can't hear what people are saying even though I have tested my hearing and it's perfect.
Now, I'm just stuck. I don't do the things I want to do. I start doing stuff that doesn't matter, I doom scroll (I have had to delete youtube and instagram from my phone it was becoming really bad for my mental health). I forget to eat (or just can't get up to eat). PMS is horrible I can barely do anything I have zero motivation.
My boyfriend doesn't seem to believe me when I say I think I have ADHD, when I read the symptoms to him he says it sounds more like him (I mean maybe but that's not the point since I'm the one struggling right now).
I always felt different but thought maybe it was just a feeling everyone gets...
I would like to get assessed but all the psychiatrists that specialise in ADHD and that my health insurance covers are all overbooked and I can't get an appointment. And the procrastination is powerful.
If anyone has any insight it would be greatly appreciated. I'm afraid of going to a psychiatrist and him saying I don't have ADHD and feeling even more lost. I feel like I can't get anything right and I will never be able to do a job I love just because I can't get to the end of my studies. If a do get a diagnosis, would medication help me ? Should I start something with a psychologist while I wait ? I am out of a job and have no income, so that does not help my whole situation... Also, I live in France where ADHD is not super well known.