u/laefu

Long story short, I’m having to undergo random drug testing for the next few months (maybe you can guess why) so I can’t drink or smoke weed at all. I don’t do any other drugs. Since I was forced to quit I started vaping nicotine because I was craving that “high” feeling but it’s nowhere near as good and not calming or “happy” like alcohol and weed is. I’ve only started about 2 months ago but trying my best not to get addicted so I frequent this sub a lot to try to remind myself how bad nicotine is for you.

I think because it’s a “dopamine” hit everytime I hit my vape, so I’m low on dopamine for everything else in my life. Since I started, I noticed that I barely have motivation to do basic life tasks like cooking and cleaning. I used to go to the gym at least once a week, usually more, and my weekends were full of activities. I was way more active than I am now.
It makes me jittery and restless but unable to do anything, and it’s getting worse over time. I was able to quit for three days but then lost my sense of motivation and bought a new one. Honestly, I still like it. I like the flavor, I like the act of breathing and having an altered head space for a few seconds, I like being able to step out of a room for a bit to go outside and smoke. But the other effects in my life are not worth it. I wake up drenched in sweat and my legs are always shaking. And most of all I’m barely motivated to do anything anymore. I don’t look forward to anything except my next hit. I can’t clean or cook. If I manage to force myself, I can for a bit and it makes me feel better but those days are few and far in between. I feel empty and like I have no purpose in life. I want to quit, but then I feel like I have nothing. Ideally I wish I could hit my vape maybe once a day or just every so often, not like how this addiction makes me hit it every 2-3 hours. But that is not how nicotine works, at least for me.

I feel like a total loser and bum who can barely take care of myself. I don’t care how I look or what I eat even though I want to. On the outside I seem fine, but on the inside I feel anhedonia and emptiness. I miss weed, but my usage of it was also getting out of hand, so I guess I’m glad that I’m being kept accountable by the government.

I want to quit nicotine, but at the same time I don’t. My plan is to take a break every time I run out, and only buy one vape at a time. I quit for three days last month. But the moment I cave and start again the cycle repeats. I know that I will just be repeating this cycle over and over again.

I really hate feeling this way. My body is still fine but I know after a few years of this it will not be. It also sometimes makes me crave weed even more because it makes me very jittery and I want something to calm me down. Most of all I want to feel happy with my life again. I miss looking forward to things and being excited about things. The longer I vape, the less excitement I feel. It’s like a gloomy fog has covered my existence.

the factory must grow