u/la_meme14

I've been struggling with my mental health severely since I began university. Due to certain legal issues I couldn't leave home to take accomodations like I wanted, and it seems like I can't go out and do that next year either.

Ive struggled to socialize, or take part in many university things, and it's mainly my own fault because I havent been able to push myself to do it. I like to blame my circumstances and my parents but I know ultimately the burden is on me.

I've relapsed a little lately on cutting myself, and when I shaved my body all my old scars became really visible and it's something that I know put off my mom, even if she's tried to be very nice about it.

One thing I have been able to do was get into mini painting, and it's been a nice artistic outlet. And my mom's helped me and gotten involved with it a lot. We were talking and she wanted to give me 70£ to buy a big centerpiece model to work on and I tried to protest for a while but eventually I acquissed and she gave me the money. But now I feel so bad, I've been tossing and turning in my bed for 2 hours now. I feel guilty, like I don't deserve it, like I've conned her out of my alot of money for something frivolous, like I should have put my foot down and said no. And I'm thinking of giving it back, but then I can't help but think about how bad she'd feel if I pushed her gift back to her. And now I'm just going in circles.

I don't like the way my head works. Everything feels like it gets like this. But I don't know if there's a way to fix it, or if this is just how I'm doomed to stay the rest of my life. I was hoping so desperately that right now would be when my life would finally start to change. But it's all just the same as it ever was. Its terrifying, and I feel like I don't know how much longer I'll be able to endure it.