u/kotaro59

I have never been good with forgiveness or grace, but I made a bad decision and drank last night. In terms of my overall fitness and goals, this one night of drinking will not erase my goals and fitness aspirations, but I’m beating myself pretty badly.

We shall see how my workout today is. As Richard Bach said, “There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.” I am not sure what the gift behind this problem is, but I can tell you I have been hard on myself all morning and learned a lesson.

Time to get back on track! 💪🏼

I quit drinking because I wanted to really hit my fitness goals, lose weight, but also just feel better about my body in my mind. Also, anytime I drank, I was prone to arguments and became a person that I really didn’t like.

I was doing so well, but yesterday I was just stressed and wanted an escape. Trust me, I fought it for a good while, then I poured some whiskey in the rocks and felt guilty/ashamed the first several gulps.

But, after accepting my failure, I felt that relaxed feeling that I wanted. I felt that good feeling that I know is bad. Now, as I’m driving to work, I have a slight headache, and I don’t miss the aftereffects. I’m not going to guilt or shame myself for my decision last night. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can’t, so I’m going to be positive. Move forward the best way I can.

I restarted the “days since” widget on my phone. I feel like this is a hard lesson but a lesson nonetheless. If one of my friends told me they did what I did, I would tell them not to be hard on themselves and to give themselves grace and to start over again. I would probably say that just because you have a flat tire doesn’t mean you have to stab the other three. Fix that one tire. But since I’m not my friend, I’m harder on myself and don’t give myself grace. But I’m going to try.

Anyway, if you read this, thank you. I just wanted to put my thoughts and words down on the Internet for all to see. And maybe if you did what I did, this helps you not to feel alone and that other people make mistakes, then so be it. Y’all have a good day.

No, this isn’t a woe with me pity party post although I can’t stop you from thinking that. I’m just venting and fucking tired of my current position in life. I tried medication that made shit worse. I’ve done therapy which has done wonders, but when I can’t control the actions of other people and I’m not doing well controlling my reactions to their reactions I’m just fucked. It makes me feel like I need to take myself out of the equation completely. A lot of my stressors come from other people. And I’m taking accountability of myself, but I’m just purely saying that the relationships I have with other people are seem like oil and water. It’s a cycle. I know I’m not perfect. I know I fuck up. But I feel like I’m always in the wrong or I’ll never be right or heard.

I’m just stressed and my medical issues apparently are stress related. Going to the gym is supposed to be relieving my stress but when I’m sitting in the parking lot of the gym fucking angry because I just got into a fight really defeats the purpose of me trying to relax the gym when I’m fucking pissed off at the gym.

So I don’t know, I’m just fucking frustrated and feel like nothing will ever change and I cannot get out of this mental slump.

I didn’t think I would make it this far! Some days have been very challenging because I want to escape my bad day or feel a different way and not so stressed. But I overcame those days. The next day, I’m always very happy and proud of myself because my gym sessions aren’t ruined. I’m not dehydrated. I don’t find myself trying to look for other alternatives right now.

I’m just very happy with my progress. Still stressed out on a normal day basis from all the bullshit that life throws at me, but I’m happy that I am still sober!