I've censored myself out of existence.
After my husband's recent freak out about the 7yo saying "damn", I'm realizing that I've basically censored myself out of existence since becoming a mom. It's kind of embarrassing to think of swearing as part of my personality, but I did grow up in a swearing house. That's how I expressed strong emotion rather than yelling. Maybe that's the reason I'm a screaming psycho since having kids. I didn't even know how to raise my voice for the first 30 years of my life. Now I bottle everything up all day, every day until I blow up because I'm not allowed to ask "why the fuck is there a box of Apple Jacks in the bathroom?" and asking without that extra word just doesn't get the emotion out for me.
But it's not just censoring my language, it's the music that contains the language. It's the shows that would be too scary. It's the dark sense of humor. It's loving creepy stuff. It's the acceptance for gender expression, that becomes so much harder when you fear for your kids. It's the unending fascination with drugs (in more of an ex-pharmacy tech way than a stoner way). It's the style that no longer fits my body, or isn't practical when caring for young kids. It's the night owl tendencies that don't work for family life. It's the keto diet that I let everyone talk me out of during pregnancy, then didn't work with my kid's allergies.
I'm a blank slate, empty, boring, nobody. I am recently getting back to my diet now that kiddo is old enough and it feels safer to have allergens in the house. It feels like a first step, maybe?