Socializing feels like a chore
It’s Saturday. My friend invited me to a Mahjong party at her house today. I’ve known about this for over a week. Now I am here, sitting in my car outside her place, with a feeling of absolute dread.
I don’t know how to play Mahjong. I don’t know who will be here or how long I am “supposed” to stay for. I forgot you are supposed to ask if you can bring something to a party, like a snack or drink, but now it’s too late.
The thing is, this friend is very kind and patient with me. She knows about my recent diagnosis and tries to include me in things without too much pressure. So I feel like I should accept these invites to show my appreciation. But then the day comes, and suddenly I’m sweating and crying outside her place, contemplating whether I should just text her and say I can’t make it. For everyone else, this is a fun and relaxing get-together. For me, it feels like I’m being robbed of my time to actually relax on the weekend because gatherings like this take so much out of me. I complain of loneliness, but can’t enjoy social time unless the conditions are 100% ideal for me, and that makes me feel like I’m difficult and ungrateful for being included.
Sorry for the rant. I need to just make up my mind if I’m going in or not. I worry that if I go it will be too much and I’ll have a meltdown in the bathroom. (Wouldn’t be the first time)
Does anyone else feel like this? 😕