u/kasumi987

I don’t know if I have any memories from a previous life it's completely blank but there are a few things that feel… off.

I recently read about “old souls,” and it made me uneasy how accurate it felt. I’ve never really fit in with my peers or been interested in their activities. I’ve had an unusual fear of death and a strong longing to find a true purpose, along with intense panic attacks for about three years (I was around 9–12 at the time lol).

I’ve always had a rebellious and righteous personality, which made me stand out. I didn’t care what my peers thought of me, even if I came across as a bit embarrassing. I was never afraid to stand up for what’s right, even if it meant being isolated which often led to long periods of loneliness.

I also have a tendency to call people out for their wrongdoing, even though it risks leaving me friendless. From the beginning, I’ve felt naturally drawn to the mystical and paranormal. I’ve always had this strange sense of detachment from the world, like I don’t fully belong here.(not in pridefull sense.)

And there’s also this birthmark on my neck it’s always stood out to me. There’s even a story behind it: apparently, my aunt once jokingly slapped my mom on the neck while she was pregnant and said, “Your child is going to have a birthmark.”

When I look at it, it looks like someone sliced it, which could have led to bleeding out.

Where

I went through what a psychologist would probably call a “religious psychosis.” It started when I began returning to Christianity after about a 4-year break.

The problem began when I realized that, as someone who leans left politically and is homosexual (male-attracted), I was thinking: “If the Bible is true, then the people I love are more likely to go to hell.” That thought hit me really hard and messed with my mental state.

I became very angry at God a lot. During prayers, I said things I’m not proud of, including insults at times.

During one of my worst episodes, I was trying to fall asleep and had something like a “premonition” (the closest comparison I can think of is Phoebe from Charmed). In it, I was at my job (I work night shifts in security). I seemed to fall asleep at my desk, the lights were flickering strangely, and then I turned around and saw someone behind me a man in a hoodie with his face completely in shadow. I immediately attacked him, and that’s when I woke up (I sometimes get physical during night terrors, which wakes me up).

A couple of days later, I was actually alone during a night shift. I was drawing Jesus and praying out loud, kind of monologuing:
“I’m sorry if you don’t accept us this way, but I’m telling you that although I love you, I disagree with you on this. I will never leave my LGBTQ friends. I’m sorry.”

After that, I folded the drawing and threw it into my bag, planning to pack it later. Literally 1–2 seconds after I did that, all the lights in the building went out.

Strangely, I wasn’t scared at first. I even have video evidence, but I don’t want to post it because it might violate my job’s policies.

I called for help about a minute later. When the electrician arrived and fixed it (it took about an hour), I asked what caused it. He said it looked like someone had turned the system off manually. That freaked me out, because I had been watching the cameras and I was completely alone. The place is in a very isolated area people passing by are extremely rare.

I’m really confused about all of this.