My 10-year-old daughter just told us she is Non-Binary
Problem/Goal: My 10-year old daughter told us she is non-binary and aro/ace (aromantic/asexual)
I always thought I was on the more liberal and accepting side. As a new dad back then, I told myself that I would raise her to be strong, welcoming of all backgrounds/beliefs/preferences. I would be accepting and supportive of her choices, as long as they are made with sincerity and guidance from us. I believed that we just needed to give her the tools, and then she would be ready to face any challenge no matter who she would turn out to be and we would be ready to accept her no matter who she is later on.
But now that I am faced with the actual situation … it’s so much harder to face it in reality than evaluating hypotheticals. She’s 10. She’s my baby. I watched her grow. I read to her and beamed with pride when I see how far she has come. I saw how her interests changed from Little Baby Bum to My Little Pony to Mario to Catch Teenieping to Undertale and anime/cosplay. She has always been my little girl, and she never showed any indication in her younger years that she was anything other than a girl (maybe a little mischievous and excited, but still a girl). And now - without any warning - she told us that she is they/them, non-binary and aromantic/asexual. And I ask for understanding from our LGBTQ friends, because now I can see why a parent’s first instinct might be to deny, dismiss, or suppress their feelings. Pardon me for still using feminine pronouns in this post, because as of now, this is still how I see her. Pardon me for the thought soup that follows. These are random thoughts running through my head with no filter:
- (to myself) “It’s much too soon! She’s just 10 and she was just into cartoons, sparkly stuff, Disney princesses just a few years ago. Where did she even learn about NB people?”
- (to myself) “She’s not attracted to anyone, male or female? Isn’t that normal for kids? Hell, when I was 10 I wasn’t attracted to girls (or boys, for that matter) either. Does that mean I was aro-ace as well?”
- (thought directed towards her) “Kaka-Youtube at Roblox mo yan eh. Why are you talking to people older than you/watching videos of content creators much older than you? They are in a different stage of their life.”
- (thought directed towards her) “Let’s table this discussion for now because you don’t have enough life experience yet. You go to an all-girls school, and you have never interacted with a gender-heterogenous group. Wait until you go to high school and interact with more people - boys, girls, and everything else. When you’re 15 or 16, and you still feel this way, we can have another conversation about your gender identity.”
I am painfully aware of the struggles of our LGBTQ friends. Not firsthand, but I know of enough stories of non-acceptance, of struggles with families of origin. And we always blame the parents. But now, I can see the other side of the coin. As parents, we want to show our unconditional love and support. But part of that is equipping our children to listen to the right voices - a full-formed version of themselves who ALREADY knows who they truly are, not a child still learning about the world. Who might not necessarily be what us parents want for them, but also not parroting random voices on the internet that might be influencing them externally. How do we know if these are her real feelings and not childish whims? How can we help her discern between these? Like I mentioned above, I would have less qualms about this if she were a bit older, or if there were prior indications about her feelings.
I hope that you don’t judge my thoughts and the other contents of this post.