u/ireallylikemydumbcat

I couldn’t take it anymore. If you look at my post history you will see how far deep I’ve gotten myself into this hole.

Don’t worry you didn’t cause it. No you definitely didn’t cause it. You might’ve been the straw that broke the camels back, but that is exactly what I needed.

I’ve been like this for a while. Way before we broke up. I mean, you’ve told me yourself that you always saw some sort of darkness in me. It definitely the reason that caused our breakup.

I called my mom yesterday and I broke down. It’s quite a step for me because I never call my parents and talk to them. This time though was different. I was going to end my pain and I couldn’t stop. I was going to do it. I had to call someone.

We talked about a lot of stuff and it really helped. Honestly she did say things that really hurt me, but she also really helped too. I’m going to try to get better.

My mom drove down and visited me for a day. She helped me get to my therapist and psychiatrist. I’m starting a prescription that I have a lot of hope for. I really hope it works out. Otherwise I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I just wish I could tell you I finally got help. I’m trying for myself now. I mean I could tell you, but I shouldn’t. It will just send me back into that hole. I wish you did feel the same way about me and talked to me, but it’s okay, I understand.

I really hope you’re doing well.

Now I’m wishing I never met you in the first place

I’m writing this because I know I can’t send it. Not now. Maybe not ever.

I wish you would choose what you want. I know you want to be with me. I know you know that we can work out, but you’re scared. You’re scared of possibly being hurt again but you don’t realize that love sometimes hurts.

Love sometimes makes you face parts of your self you never wanted to face. Parts that you have kept locked away because healing them hurts too much. However if you take the time and effort I promise it is worth it. Ignoring it will not help anyone, it will just show up again in all your future relationships and destroy them. Hurting more people in the long run.

And it’s funny you know, I’m able to apologize to you because I don’t have any friends to distract me from the truth. I sit in my house all day alone, trapped in my mind. I don’t have anyone to help me, I have to get through it by myself. It forces me to really think about how things went down. No matter how much I boost my ego I can’t ignore or distract myself from what I truly want: You.

But you, you fill up your schedule to run away from reality. You say I’m avoidant but the truth is, is that you distract yourself so much, you don’t even know what you want anymore. You don’t even know who you are anymore. Saying that you no longer want to move because you’re going through a hard time. I know you want that, you’re just scared and giving up is easier than facing the truth.

You’re scared, I get it. I am too. You’re scared if you tell your friends they will judge you, but I mean aren’t friends there to support your decision? If you really told them the full truth and was honest about what you really wanted, I’m sure they would support it, but you have to put in the effort to tell the full truth. Not just your side, but my side too.

I mean I get it, if we try again, I have to go against all your friends. All your family. I have to not only build trust back with you but all of them. I feel the exact same way.

But it’s different for you isn’t it? I know why you’re truly scared. It’s because whenever something went slightly wrong in your friend’s life, you told them to quit. You told them to give up. Break up with their partner because their partner has messed up. You were the one that judged them harshly. And now you’re afraid that if you get back with me, you’ll be a hypocrite. This is the real truth.

And now you’re faced with the reality that things are not that easy. That love does require effort and work. Love is hard and a love is a choice. Sometimes that choice is just sticking with someone through a hard time, but you never did that. You just wanted to give up, but now you see the other side of the coin and you don’t want to admit it.

But the thing is, you can’t run away from this. You think you’ll be able to forget about me and fix it in your next relationship. Well if something goes wrong with them, and trust me it always does, are you going to quit? When you realize they were actually great, are you going to fight for them back? Probably not because you couldn’t even fight for me, so how are you going to fight in the next one?

I know you want this. I know you know that this can work out. That we can be happy. So I’ll wait patiently for you.

But I’ll also warn you. The more time you convince yourself that you don’t want this. The more time you distract yourself from the truth. The more time you spend telling your friends only your side of the story to boost your ego. It also goes to say that I will have more time make the decision to move on.

And someday, it’ll be too late. I will be patient, but I can’t wait forever.

So choose what you truly want. Set ego aside and instead choose love.

S

Is that I finally get to sleep on the side of the bed that I want to sleep on.

The worst is that I’m sleeping all alone.

You said we could call today. You said that we could talk later in the evening. It’s midnight now and you still haven’t called or texted me.

I’m sorry for all the terrible things I said. Ive already told you this but I want to say more. I’m sorry I told you that I haven’t been enjoying our time towards the end and that it was more stressful than fun. I shouldn’t have said that and many other hurtful things in our last moments.

I read so many posts and often see a common thing. That their partner never loved them. Their partner never fought for them. Or their partner lied to them. These then result to that is they never cared about it them. They felt lied to about their partners love for their whole relationship. I know if you were to write something here it would say that.

I know you would say I’m undeserving of love because of the things I said and honestly I agree. I don’t want you back. I don’t want to date again. I’ve come to the realization that I’ll always be this way so I’ll spare others from myself, from hurting anyone else.

I have no excuse. People will hate on me in the comments, telling me what I would hear from you. I’m going to give you my point of view but know that it is no excuse.

I’ve gone to therapy most my life because of my parents. You know how awful they were but many people don’t know how truly hateful they were. How the only language I had with them is hate. With my parents I had to be mean to them for them to stop the hate, it was the only thing that worked. The only thing that stopped their yelling and screaming. I’ve spent my entire life trying to unlearn it, but it’s not excuse.

It hurts me so much when I read posts that say things like “you finally let your mask fall and you’re showing your true colors.” I hate them because I know they’re talking about me. For my entire life, I try so hard not to be my parents. I try so hard not to say hurtful things. But when I’m stressed and I don’t know how I’m feeling. When I don’t know how to communicate my feelings I try my best to step back and answer calmly, but sometimes it doesn’t work like that if the answer is needed right away. When I can’t step back, or I feel like can’t take time to calm down, it’s hard to answer calmly and I fall right back into my old habits that I’ve tried to hard to unlearn. It sets me back to square one.

I’ve made it so far with you. I really tried to fix this issue. I went to different therapists to help me. I really thought I could pull through. That I was not that terrible person I try so hard not to be. But it didn’t work. I still ruined things. I still said things that hurt your feelings. It’s no excuse. And I tried. I tried so hard to tell you that I needed space to process things. I tried to tell you I needed to calm down before talking to you about this. Yet when I did talk to you I now realized I also tried so hard to meet you where you wanted me to meet that I ended up saying things I never wanted to say. I pushed myself when I was not ready and paid the price.

That’s why I always asked for space. It was to stop myself from saying hurtful things to you. I always tried to calm down before addressing things, but I understand now that I need way more time to calm down than normal people and it’s not okay. It pains me so much that we broke up because you and everyone else is right, there is no way someone would say anything mean to their partner if they love them. You hated when I asked for space and it makes sense but I didn’t know how else to handle it. I’m damned if I talk to you and I’m damned if I don’t.

So I’ve come to terms that I’ll probably never fix this issue. No matter how hard I try, how much therapy I go through, I can’t calm down when the situation truly calls for it. That I am my parents. That I am the person all these posts are talking about. The selfish person who never cared. That I am not deserving of love and that I need to be okay with that. I probably never will be deserving no matter how hard I try. I’m not looking for pitty I just am accepting that love is probably not for me because I can never seem to love right. After everything I’ve tried, if I can’t be with someone like you, then I probably can’t be with anyone. I just can’t stand the thought of hurting more people.

I don’t want to hurt anyone else. That’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want you back because I definitely don’t deserve it. I just wish I could say sorry and you understood that I meant it, you don’t need to forgive me. I don’t think you or anyone will ever understand and I guess that’s just how it is. How it will always be. I don’t know how to fix this, I’ve tried so many things but I always eventually fall apart. My effort wasn’t good enough and I don’t think it’ll ever be.