u/imRickdiculous

I was in a very toxic "environment" before I met my now AMAZING wife. It was so bad that I started having hair loss on my jawline, I would break out in hives, and wake up screaming from nightmares from the insane amounts of stress. I never talked to my family or friends about how I was suffering for years. Sometimes I wonder if the people that were hurting me even knew how much they were hurting me. I would just suck it up and stuff all my feelings and try to push forward. It got to a point where I finally broke. I was thinking suicide was the only way out, the only way to get away. That's when I knew that I had stayed too long.

I grew up in a Christian culture and always though that Divorce was not an option and was told that if I prayed enough, God will fix it. I prayed, I went to therapy (multiple therapists), I tried everything. It took me a long time to realize that no amount of praying, therapy, meditation, exercise, or anti-depressants can fix a toxic environment. People have free will and we cannot change how they act no matter how hard we try to make things better. No matter how well you treat others, that does not mean they will treat you well back.

I'm here to tell you. It's OK to leave! (whether it's a relationship, job, friendship, or any toxic environment.)

It's not your fault, you are not a failure. And for the Christians out there, God will not love you any less if you leave.

I made this post because I wish somebody would have told me this sooner. I thought that because I was going to have to start over at 40 years old, that there was no hope for me to ever be happy again. Let me tell you that 40 is still so young and I found the love of my life at 40 years old. Because my amazing wife has created such a safe space for me to heal and has loved me more than I could ever imagine, my hair has grown back. I haven't had any hives break out and I found my smile again. I didn't genuinely smile in pictures for years. Life itself has not gotten any less hard (finances, job, etc.) but having a partner that supports you and loves you and creates a good environment makes all the difference. I get emotional and practically cry every time I look at her face, because I know when I am with her, I am home. She is my home.