u/ifeelsoostupid

i’d like to hear from the men. advice from anyone is welcome though.

my husband has shut me out emotionally and it’s been an ongoing issue for over a year now.

he completely denies doing so. but since we’ve been married he has not once come to me with any complaints in our relationship. when i come to him with something he is very defensive. he says things like “you’re overthinking” or “really, you want to talk about this now?” (i’ve tried managing when i bring up things and he says this even when i’ve told him i’d like to talk and planned a time). i do overthink because he has changed into a different man from the one i have married and doesn’t let me in on his deep thoughts or worries. i can tell when he has bad days or is stressed or anxious. but he will never admit to it. i don’t understand if he scared of me or if he’s hiding something. he completely stopped having sex with me for 4 months and rejects my advances. he doesn’t cuddle unless he initiates it, if i try he pushes me away. i accept his love when he chooses to give it to me but he doesn’t allow me to do the same for him.

i’ve been giving him space for months and stopped trying to understand what’s happening between us. it has sent me spiraling many times. i don’t feel safe to cry in front of him because he’s said things like “you’re trying to play victim” and “you do this to get your way” which hurts me a lot because there’s only been a few times i’ve ever cried to him and i only did bc i feel so alone, hurt, and unheard. now i wait until i can be alone to cry or if i can’t hold it in i run to ‘wash my face’.

he looks at me with, what seems to me, a look of disgust. i feel he maybe regrets marrying me but he’s not the type to divorce. i just don’t understand what the reasoning would be if that’s the case. we’ve never had any major issues. in the beginning when he would come to me with something on his mind we would sit and talk calmly about it. our disagreements never turned into arguments.

i’ve had to force myself to not care as much bc caring about it has only ever hurt me. i still think about it everyday but ive pretty much accepted it. i don’t ask him about his feelings anymore. and i think he feels that im starting to give up.

bc today we cuddled and had sex. it came out of nowhere and it honestly was good. the last time we had sex was just so awful. i hate thinking about it. he could hardly get it up and the chemistry was in the negatives. but i’ve been waiting for this day forever so long and i’m very happy about it. i hope this means he’s coming back around but idk. i’ve been considering divorce for a while now and good sex isn’t going to solve anything.

i think i should add some things that really bother me but i hate to say. these things really push me towards wanting a divorce which is something im so scared of doing. but i feel i should add to get real advice. we disagree politically about a lot of things. he’s very extremely republican. to the point that he says things like: “muslims should be killed off” “women shouldn’t have the right to vote” he supports hitler and many other things. it’s pretty much all he talks about and i don’t like talking about it. i listen but don’t add to much because im not into politics but also would never support any of that racist, sexist, inhumane, pathetic shit. when i think of this i feel i have no other choice but to divorce him. but my love for him is so overwhelming. i haven’t let go of the man i once knew. but im close to accepting that man is forever gone.

i don’t really need advise i just need to vent.

idek how i let myself get into this situation. but i did and i understand all of the stupid mistakes i’ve made that have led me here.

i was never really a romantic. i never had a serious relationship before i met my husband. ever since i was little i never wanted to get married and i never wanted children. i’ve never had baby fever and i’ve never needed any mans approval for anything. i grew up with horrible men in my life. every one i’ve ever known wasn’t any good. i’ve always stayed to myself and was okay with that. i preferred that. i don’t trust people easily.

so when i met my husband i was in shock. he showed me that he cared in so many ways. he would be there for me for any reason and would insist on it. i was caught off guard. he would actually be irritated if i had a problem and didn’t come to him so he could solve it. i’ve always been hyper independent and i don’t like going to people for help. i’m also not much of an emotional person. but he got me to a place where i felt i was safe enough to tell him how i feel. and with him being in the army i stupidly married him 3 months into our relationship. i genuinely thought he was the one. 😭SO STUPID. I BEAT MYSELF UP FOR THIS EVERYDAY. IK.

but anyways, it’s not like that anymore.

he got deployed for 3 months, which isn’t very long. i was so sad that he was going away. but i felt i could trust him i wasn’t scared of him cheating at all. the entire time he was deployed it never felt off. he even sent me flowers. and i also had access to all of his socials and he had access to mine (his idea). and he would periodically face time me and/ or send me pictures of him with his ring on. i told him when i was overthinking ,of course but, i just wanted reassurance. i almost feel like that’s what this is all about but who knows.

everything had changed when i picked him up from the airport. he was in an awful mood. i was so sad bc i was so excited to see him. i assumed it was travel/ work stress, or the fact that i was lost before picking him up lol. so i tried to give him his space. days went by and he was extremely distant. it hurt. a lot. at first i gave home his space. but too much time had gone by for this to be work/travel stress. i tried asking him if something was wrong. i told him he could tell me if i did something. i tried many different approaches. and in between i would give him space. and when the space would eventually eat me up alive and i couldn’t take the confusion anymore i would approach him again to try and gain an ounce or understanding of why this was happening. but i never have.

his deployment was about a year ago and he still has emotionally shut out. i think about it everyday. for my own sanity i’ve stopped bringing it up. he always responds saying that everything is fine, or i’m overthinking, or he feels happy in this relationship. so trying to have a conversation about this it doesn’t go anywhere. it’s just pointless.

during this whole period our sex life has been non existent. at first it slowly stopped. we went 2 weeks with no sex and i eventually asked him about it. he told me that i wasn’t initiating enough and he was trying to see how long it would take me. so i started initiating more. but the he started rejecting me. and it was 50/50 wether my initiation would work. it hurt me more and more with every rejection. bc not only was he rejecting me emotionally but now he’s physically rejecting me. he wasn’t initiating at all.

i had to stop initiating. the sex doesn’t feel real. like we were only doing it because people in relationships do it. now it’s been maybe 3-4 months and we haven’t had sex.

the ways he chooses to shut me out have become more and more blatant that he doesn’t want this marriage. and i have no clue why this is happening or if there’s any point in trying to save it anymore. we now only cuddle on his terms. when i try to imitate cuddling he literally pushes me off of him telling me he’s either uncomfortable or too hot. every single time. last night i tried cuddling him and he keeps scooting away from me while huffing and puffing and acting miserable. i had been cuddling him for 10 seconds at most. i guess i reached one of those point again we’re i can’t hide my hurt. but i tried. i said “whatever” and rolled over and the tears started to fall. he asked me what’s wrong but i said i didn’t want to talk about it. he accepted that response and went to sleep. i didn’t want to talk about it because i know he would get defensive. he would tell me why i’m over reacting and it wouldn’t go anywhere.

he stopped buying me flowers and writing me notes and doing all of the little things. anytime i’ve asked for flowers he told me he didn’t have the money(he did). idk but him telling me he didn’t have money for flowers hurts alotttt bc i know damn well. we literally share a bank account.

i’ve been hoping that maybe eventually he would come to me and tell me what’s wrong on his terms but it really seems that day isn’t going to come.

what makes this all more confusing is he acts like everything is okay. he never tells me when i’m annoying him. even when i can tell i have annoyed him or pissed him off he wont admit it. he laughs and jokes all the time. everything seems fine from anyone else’s prospective looking in.

there’s also some more consigning things he’s said to me since he’s been home. at first he would say things out of no where and completely broke me. he called me a bum one day. (i let him live with me rent free at first even though he had a job in the army.) he told me i had ugly tits and passed it off as a joke. then he told me he wasn’t going to put my name on his vehicle even though we agreed that if i got rid of my car, i could have his and he can buy a new one. he got himself a WRX and then told me “it’s just easier and we would save money” to not put my name on the car afterrrr i got rid of mine. then a month later he told me he doesn’t want my name on our house when we have one in the future. he said he’s worked too hard for his stuff to risk it. i told him how that’s not right. if he truly was in this marriage for the long run then that doesn’t make any since. and then he told me that’s the same reason he didn’t put my name on the car. i already knew it wasn’t for a good reason. i knew this was him preparing. but the fact i got him to admit it. i havent looked at this marriage the same since.

i know im not perfect and ive made mistakes. even though im not too sure what my mistakes are bc he won’t tell me. ik i should’ve left him long ago. ik i need to stand my ground more. but that’s not the person i am. i dont like demanding respect or overly proving myself to people. i dont have to argue to have an understanding that things aren’t good. i dont blow things out of proportion or force ppl to act the way i want them too. yeah ive considered hes prolly cheated but i just dont have any proof of that. regardless, im pretty much done. this has become too much for me. i feel betrayed and blindsided. im just not ready to leave. idk why. i think the main reason is because i feel like such an idiot. i’m so embarrassed i did this to myself. the thought of people knowing that this didn’t work out makes me feel like the biggest dumbass known to man. smh. and i’m still in love with the man i once knew. we’ve both changed because of all of this and idk if we’ll go back to what was. but i miss it. i hope it does before this all falls apart.