I wish I never transitioned
I want to be a boy so bad, I was born a girl. But I know I’ll never actually be a cis male, which hurts. I started transitioning at 13 and started testosterone when I turned 18.
I’m really short and I know I pass as a male, but I haven’t gotten any surgeries done and I also have wide hips, I just look like a chubby male. I look up to male influencers and wish they were me, I’ve been on testosterone for years and I have a deep voice and facial hair. I’m not going to stop taking the hormones because it wouldn’t be the same, I just wish I had never started.
I’m into men, and I look at these girls that men get with and I envy them, I want to be a girl that is able to catch the attention of men. I thought I was into girls but I’m not. I get attention from girls but I don’t have the parts that they want, and I find myself crushing on men like a girl would, if that makes any sense.
I just wish I was born a cis male, but since I wasn’t, I wish I never transitioned, I can’t go back now, it would be too much of a hassle, plus irreversible things. I just needed to vent, I’ve been feeling so sad lately.
Edit:
Another thing I really struggle with is that if I stopped taking the hormones and started de-transitioning, it would take me a long time to pass as a woman again, IF I even managed to, and I would look like a male transitioning into a female and I don’t want to be viewed like that. I go to the gym every day, and I can’t imagine everyone there perceiving me and everything that is happening with me. I wish I could flip a switch and just undo everything…
Plus, all of my friends are male and think that I’m a cis male. I have no idea how they’d react to any of this or if they would cut me out…
Another edit:
I get a lot of attention online for being an attractive guy. But I’ve had people in my dms before asking for… you know what pics. I always make up an excuse, because I present myself as a cis guy online even though I’m not. I like having facial hair, but I remember when I see myself without clothes that I’m not a cis male and never will be, no matter how many years go by of taking T. I feel so lost and depressed. I’ve been so suicidal for basically my entire transition but especially as of recently, I need to do something but idk what, I feel afraid and alone.