I'm talking to a guy and I need advice because I feel wrong
I need advice.
Hello, this is my first time writing in this sub but I just couldn't keep thinking about this matter endlessly and I needed to get it off my chest.
I'm 20, in my second year of college, and there's a guy.
I do not have feelings for him nor do I think he has feelings for me, but the thing that troubles me is not that.
even in highschool where it was mixed, I did not talk to guys unnecessarily and that's something I truly believe is the right way. Even during my first year in uni I talked to them very professionally and politely when needed (note we're in a middle eastern country and views here are very uhm…yeah. It's the kind of place where if people see a guy and a girl talking they immediately jump to the worst conclusions and make some rumors.)
but since this year I've participated in an activity and he was there along with some other people and one of my girl friends, so we needed to make a group chat and all to coordinate the activity for our team
so once we were just talking on the group and a few jokes came up
Since we were talking in English and not in Arabic, I kinda felt less…constricted if that makes sense? Idk how to explain it but I feel like I can be myself more without being misunderstood in English, so we were talking in English and a few jokes came up about memes and stuff, he was in Umrah during that time so he couldn't participate with the rest of us but he kept active in the group chat
so he sent me memes in private, and I also sent him some, and then we started talking
it wasn't anything weird or overstepping. And I always joked to him that I'm scared he's secretly gonna turn out to be a bad guy and spread rumors about me because I've never talked to guys but now I'm talking to you
He said he'd never do that and he also has female friends and gets super annoyed when people spread rumors about him being in relationships and stuff
I don't believe in male and female friendships, but this is still so complicated to me that's why I'm here talking about it
at first we talked for a few days, but I felt so uneasy every time, not because of him—he's funny and respectful and respects my boundaries when I tell him I'm not comfortable discussing a certain topic or him saying a certain joke which I know is the bare minimum but yeah it's rare to see nowadays
So anyways I couldn't take it anymore and asked him "do you think what we're doing is right? Like I know you think we might not be wrong but I feel it's wrong because Allah and the trust of my family is more important to me than a potential friendship, I would prefer if you did not text me anymore after this"
Anyways he was not mad at all despite me being scared he will be and kept reassuring me that it's totally okay and it's my right to do whatever I want, and then it stopped.
But then I couldn't keep it to myself and told my mom through lots of tears and how afraid I was that I was a sinner in Allah's eyes and that I didn't want her to hate me and obviously she was upset and she told me to explain the whole thing and I did and we had a very long talk and a lecture obviously and she asked me "did you tell him you love him?" And I was like no mom omg I have no feelings for him it was just…like friendship
So anyways that was that, my mom and I made up and I felt better about myself again
Fast forward now, him and I and the same people in the previous activity have another activity going once every week, we talk in real life and he says hi to me and I say hi to him like just Salam yk? And sometimes after sessions of the activity are done we also talk in a group with the other people
but he texted me once during that time and I can't remember what it was, but now he's texting me again and I'm responding and talking to him and joking as if we're friends, and he thinks we're friends and once a creepy guy made a comment that I did not catch because I wasn't paying attention but then he told me about it and warned me and I was like oh thank you I wouldn't have caught it otherwise
This is getting very long but pls bear with me it's really such a heavy feeling on my heart
Today i watched him and his friends practice on some instruments bcuz he invited me to, and there were girls as well and I had fun and i even acted like myself (I'm very social and extroverted, but with guys as I said I'm…not, which I still think is the right thing to do)
But now that I'm back home im feeling that uneasy feeling in my heart again
That I shouldn't be doing this
That what I did was wrong
That perhaps I laughed too much I was too much I should be more chaste and have hayaa or whatever I shouldn't joke with guys I shouldn't do any of that I shouldn't talk to him
One of my girl friends has been friends with him for two years (I found that out after I began talking to him) and she vouched for him being a good guy and that she even had introduced him to her family cuz she didn't wanna hide anything from them
But still, her way of upbringing is surely different than mine to be able to do that
My mom would not be happy at ALL if she finds out I'm talking to him again, I'm talking huge disappointment maybe even anger
From time to time she even asks me if "that guy" has said anything to me, and I'm like no mom he hasn't, because she knows he's with me in the activity
I'm afraid if I tell her he's a good guy she's just gonna call me naive and that I'm too easy to fool, and then hate me and lose her trust for me
but I don't know, I don't wanna sound like a hypocrite bcuz I was the one who told him to stop, but then when he talked to me again I casually bounced back?
Mind you he's older than me and is going to graduate this year and leave university so I'm not even gonna see him and the academic year is about to end, so idek yeah
god I'm so confused and I feel so ashamed and guilty at the same time
What should I do please help