India is hell on earth for women
Reading and watching everything about the two sensationalized cases of women dying under extremely sus circumstances in their marital “homes.”
I am heartbroken. Angry. Pissed. But not shocked.
Mid 90s, my mother was one such woman who took her life in her marital “home.”
For a long while, the rates of housewives taking their lives was twice that of farmers and yet, no protests for the housewives, no vigils are held in their remembrance, no online trends in their support, no #, no press coverage, no outrage. Just pure acceptance and ignorance of this deeply shameful fact.
The recent data shows men are overtaking women in this statistic in India to match global trends. Men are more successful at the act but women have a higher number of attempts. The age group of girls between teens and early 20s is esp at risk now.
Three decades later, after a lifetime of one devastating experience after another, hers, mine, and almost every woman I have known in this country, I have realised how little has fundamentally changed.
My father has since married two more times and left both those marriages, thankfully, he did not kill these women. He was able to destroy my mother because she was systematically ruined by her birth family who educated her and dumped her with this scum, left her utterly unprotected and abandoned, and eventually one day there was nothing else left of her that could be ruined. No repercussions on him and his family. Even worse, no voice and argument from her own parents and siblings. The people she lived believing were her well wishers.
He is a repeat offender and textbook abuser. He violated boundaries within his own family. He has had multiple affairs. He stole his children’s life savings. He is a cheat in his business dealings.
And guess what the repercussions have been? Absolutely none. Why? Because he is a man and he is enabled by this society and system to thrive.
Hell, if he was just a bit more rich he would be a greatly celebrated politician - I've no doubt.
30+ years on.. My mother is still very dead. And he is still very much alive and free.
This is the condition of even educated women in this country. My mother was educated, healthy, fit and bright and she was killed by those that brought her into this world because they handed her over on a gold platter to the devil.
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Not having a strong attachment to my family has enabled me to see how deeply twisted Indian parental and familial love is for the daughters.
And my heart breaks because I see women everywhere manipulated into believing that the teeny tiny bit of love they receive should be sufficient reason to endure hell, while their agency, autonomy, and assets are systematically stripped away from beneath their feet. First by the birth family, then by the society, then by the in-laws.
I have seen affluent parents make their daughters abandon careers before they even begin because the husband’s family is obscenely wealthy, so apparently what need does a woman have to pursue anything worthwhile? I see overeducated women reduced to managing kitchens and maids after their parents happily agree to insane amounts of 'gifts'. A gilded cage. While their husbands influence the world and their MILs and FILs dictate the next part of their life with a new set of rules and regulations of what is an acceptable well-respected woman.
I have seen women whose lives were destroyed because they rejected a man, a custom, a chore... Sometimes it is the father who burns her marksheets so she can never build a career. Sometimes it is the husband who restricts her mobility and autonomy. Other times it is the in-laws who slowly make her question her sanity. Sometimes, the irked chapri on the street. Sometimes, the teacher or classmate who has to teach her a lesson on what she can and cannot do. And sometimes it is even her own grown children who turn around and tell her she does not know right from wrong because “what has she ever achieved in life?” And the worst is when women side with the devils and play the role even better by telling the girls to sit with the legs closed, cover up, speak softly, hide our bras and pads, look down, let it go, not make a ruckus, have some shame....
The only common thread is that this country is deeply hostile towards females at its very core. Across religions, socioeconomic classes, cultures, geographies, and generations. I've travelled to the remotest regions of this country and yet external misogyny has been a constant companion hand-in-hand like the fear of my safety.
Even though in the current cases the majority opinion is that the in-laws killed the departed, the parents and this society remain equally complicit.
Parents bring us into this world and immediately begin compressing our spirits and aspirations into whatever conforms to their worldview of what is “right” and “honourable.” We are considered good and lovable only so long as we remain within their prescribed boundaries.
Even after losing their daughter, Twisha’s mother is on record saying that, like every parent, they wanted their daughter to be “settled” and had given her “acche sanskar” to “adjust" because these issues are common in early phases of marriage. Her father and brother were equally complicit when they gave in to financial transactions with the very people who would later question their daughter’s character in both life and death.
And now her father appears across multiple channels repeating the same few lines about how accomplished she was, how she did ads and feature films, how she was Miss Pune.
Is her only value that she could adjust to the abuse while simultaneously achieving enough for you to showcase to society?
Parents bring children into this world, and yet there exists no mechanism to determine whether they are even fit to do so. NOT ALL PARENTS DESERVE CHILDREN. STOP BRINGING US IN THIS WORLD ONLY TO KILL US.
Females lose the lottery of birth by being born into this underdeveloped hellhole, and then spend our lives fighting for bare minimum autonomy and whatever residual love and resources remain after the men have consumed everything.
We are taunted, tainted, harassed, violated endlessly. And even in death, we are forced to prove whether our character was “good.”
Parents send an adult daughter with all her degrees and qualifications to a stranger's house, disgustingly giddy that she can officially sleep with a stranger and also with gifts worth lakhs and crores to bear a new family name, bear their babies and take care of a whole different lineage which has done ZERO for her well being and upbringing! They make happy videos and dance away to glory celebrating this horrific transaction.
And then pikachu face when their daughters are bullied, harassed, taken advantage of, abandoned, wronged, treated badly, traumatized and for those like my mother, dead!
If it is so much fun to do this - why are the men in this country not giving a few lakhs worth of gifts and moving in with their in-laws to live this amazing cookie cutter life.
Why?
Sit with it. Think over it. Mull over it.
Ladies, I beg you, who truly loves you simply because you exist?
With no expectations in return. No emotional labour. No chores. No money. No sex. No caregiving. No dependance. No adjustments.
Because I have seen daughters killed before they are even born simply because they have a vagina. No repercussions. No remorse. No consequences. And we all know how it goes once we are here. Every day is a fight for our safety and life.
Ask yourself: who truly loves you and enables YOU to pursue your aspirations without manipulating, gaslighting, or emotionally blackmailing you with reasons that merely safeguard their own egos?
Because if you have even one such person in your life, you are blessed.
If you do not, please become that person for yourself. Stop accepting morsels and leftovers of love and validation from people who are hollow within. Save yourself. Protect yourself. Fight for yourself. In this life. Be your own queen in the ruddiest dirtiest grubbiest armour. There is no award for being the biggest sufferer / adjuster / compromiser.