u/hurryupmylove

hey everyone, i’m 21 and honestly just looking for people to talk to, share memes/music with, maybe watch stuff together sometimes or just randomly text during the day.

i’m currently watching The Sopranos and Normal People. i love films in general, music, and late-night conversations about random things.

fair warning: i can be a bit weird and probably hard to understand at first 😭 but i do care about people a lot and i think i can be a really good friend once i’m comfortable.

if you think we’d get along, feel free to message me :)

Hi Reddit. I honestly don’t really know who to talk to about this.

I have BPD, and I’m very aware of my patterns and emotions. I’ve had really difficult periods before, but I’m 21 now and I’m genuinely trying to take care of myself and become healthier emotionally.

Recently, I started talking again to a guy who used to mean a lot to me. Maybe a crush, maybe someone who could’ve been my boyfriend at some point. During the time we weren’t talking, I kept thinking about him constantly. I could be out with friends, meeting other guys, going to nice places, trying to enjoy life, and somehow he was still always in my head. Because of that, I started wondering if maybe it wasn’t just BPD attachment, maybe I actually loved him.

So I texted him again.

The strange part is that after he responded, I suddenly felt… nothing. Almost emotionally numb. Then I started wanting to block him again, even though we had only just started talking. Now we’ve been texting again for about a week.

What confuses me is that he seems completely fine and happy. He talks about his day, university, work, his friends, and he sounds genuinely good. Weirdly, that makes me uncomfortable. He also says things like “if you want me back, show effort,” and instead of making me feel closer to him, it honestly turns me off emotionally.

But at the same time, I’m scared that if I distance myself or block him again, I’ll end up missing him obsessively all over again like before.

I genuinely can’t tell if I actually want him, or if I’m attached to the feeling of wanting him. I don’t know if this is emotional attachment, fear of abandonment, idealization/devaluation, or something else entirely.

Has anyone with BPD experienced something similar?