So many emotions
My son was stillborn last week at 36 weeks and 6 days. I have so many emotions. Im angry. Im sad. I also feel embarrassment and shame when I think about returning to work. How can I face all my coworkers? They watched as I grew bigger and organized two baby showers. Then I will return a broken woman. How can I face the people at my daughter's school? The ones who always asked when I was due and asked if my daughter was happy being a big sister. How can I face random people on the street? I still look pregnant and people will ask me all sorts of questions with smiles on their faces.
And I feel I let my daughter down. She is an only child and I so wanted to give her a sibling. My son will always be her sibling, but it is obviously not the same. My daughter is 4 and very articulate. She said she's sad because she is alone with no brother. Then she said I didn't try hard enough and that maybe I could try again. That was a gut punch, but I know she's rationalizing things the only way she knows how. To her its as simple as mom carries the baby therefore mom is responsible for his death. And death is a concept she is still grappling with, but she knows she wont see him again. So, I also feel guilt. I keep replaying things over and over, trying to decipher what I missed and when I should've intervened. Did I let down my son? I feel I let my daughter down. I let everyone down including myself but most importantly my son.
I went to the ED last night and one of the doctors said they saw that I was in labor and delivery recently. They said congratulations. I just shook my head slowly and said no. After the evaluation, I went for bloodwork. The doctor came back while I was waiting and she apologized as she hadn't read the outcome in my chart. I feel nervous and a little scared about all the awkward conversations and slips of the tongue that are likely to come from well-meaning people. One wrong word and I'll burst into tears.
I feel even more guilty when I think about trying again. Be more observant. Get it right next time. I dont want to erase my beautiful son. He will always be mine, but I so want another child. It doesnt help that my entire body is wired to want to care for a baby right now. I think of my son and milk leaks with nowhere to go, no hungry baby to feed.
I also feel very conflicted about how to put him to rest. Burial or cremation? I dont want to cremate him because hes my son. I just spent months growing and loving him...now Im going to just burn him up? But funeral homes are money hungry places. They want 13k for the type of services we would like for him. Plus we arent too thrilled about putting him inside a vault inside of a casket as his body wont be able to return to and nourish the earth. Nothing feels right. We dont have 13k nor do we have the credit to get it. Cremation will likely end up being the route we take, but then what of his ashes?
Like many of us here, I was so excited for my son. My mind is all over the place.