Terminated and Now Life is Crumbling
Basically I snapped at a terrible patient in front of a new support staff person, and instead of reporting me to management, they went straight to HR. The circumstances were not great, but a combination of short staffing, large ratio ED holds (I’m talking 48-72 hours down here), complete dependence like MULTIPLE TOTAL FEEDS, perpetual call bells, no techs, and finally my own weak ass pain d/t an injury that allowed me to be do my job but slowly and shittily. I tried asking for help, but everyone just rolled their eyes because on a normal day, I should’ve been able to handle the assignment.
ER culture is like “I won’t ask for help even when I’m downing because I don’t want to look weak, but when I do ask for help, everyone becomes David Goggins. Stay hard, you incompetent piece of shit. Go to outpatient procedural if you can’t run with the big dogs.”
And so you just grit your teeth and pretend this is healthy and that you ARE IN FACT a little weakling who can’t handle the sauce.
But I said some words in front of a stranger and now the healthier system I planned to stay with for my entire career will never hire me again. I got hired at this ED right out of nursing school and it was my top choice, I LOVED working there, loved my coworkers, loved my frequent fliers, loved the hospital. It felt like home. I was home.
I didn’t realize how much “being an ER nurse at this hospital” became part of my identity, so losing the job felt like losing myself. I have upcoming interviews elsewhere and I thankfully have options, but I am possibly more depressed than I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve experienced worse things, yet this feels like I’ll never smile again. I have two beautiful children and a decent life, but somehow my hope for the future is absent.
Wtf is this? Is it a nursing thing where we tie our job to our self esteem? Why does all seem lost? I feel like I don’t even want to do this anymore, like the pain isn’t even worth it for the amount of sacrifice you give this job. I LOVED doing what I did. Now I don’t even want to bother working so hard just to have it ripped from me by unfeeling corporate dickheads who will never consider how close I’ve come to ending it all.