being trans isn't good enough. i wanna be cis but can't be. what now?
ive been on HRT 5 years and don't pass or even come close.
ive rewritten this post several times. it's hard to explain what i'm feeling. even moreso to explain it in a way that doesn't illicit the cliche answers. 'not every girl experiences womanhood the same way' 'women are just as capable of being shitty as men are' 'it's what you think of yourself, not what others think' are these wrong? no! absolutely not. but they are not good enough for me. they don't leave me with peace or understanding. just makes me feel even more hopeless.
so i want to be one way. i have this idea of the woman i want to be, the experiences i want to have had, the way i look, everything all in my head. and there's also the way that i am. and the two will never be the same. i didn't know this 6 years ago when i started transition, but i know now that my hopes and expectations weren't realistic.
i don't pass. if i'm not going out of my way to shave (can't do it every day without getting a nasty red rash), do A LOT of makeup and have a coordinated outfit complete with jewelry and accessories, then i am essentially boymoding. i do not pass at all.
if i were a cis girl (nananananananananana) i could go out frumpy, without makeup, in a loose hoodie and jeans and people would still know i'm a woman. but if i do that now as myself, then i'll just be seen as a man without any doubt about it in their minds.
it's not just looks. it's socialization too. most women do not see me as one of them. i stick out in a group of them. they don't treat me as a girl at best they treat me like a make-a-wish kid or something. pity, sympathy, and a strong urge to treat me right but then they fail to do so becauss i want to be treated as one of them. men don't see me as one of them and they don't see me as a potential mate either. i know how shitty men can be to women. and cis women in the past have sort of rolled their eyes at me when i've expressed this, but i want to be on the receiving end of it. i want to know what it's like. i want to bond with other girls about it. i want to be desirable enough that they'd want me at all. obviously i do not want to be the victim of violence, that's not what i mean. but shitty pick up lines at a bar? awkward flirts where the guy stumbles over his words? i want that. but i won't.
i don't look like a woman so i'm not treated like a woman. i look transgender (at best) and am treated as such. an other. not a viable candidate for romance or friendship unless from another trans person. don't get me wrong, i love trans people. theyre the vast majority of my friends. but dammit i don't like being locked out of cis world. and i miss the rigid social structures and the clear (not really) direction they gave you.
i fell for the patriarchy. they got me. i thought all that was important was getting in a girls pants. and if you didn't then you failed and you're a loser, a virgin, unfuckable, etc. i took that shit seriously. i ruined relationships over it. i was so fucking insecure. and transitioning didn't just make that all go away. i STILL am in the process of reprogramming myself except now i'm fighting against the grain of the rest of society in order to do so.
i want to be a cis girl, but i never will be. ive been trans for 6 years, on HRT for 5, out publicly for 4 and a half. do i regret it? yeah kinda. am i willing to be a man? absolutely not. what the fuck do i do now?
please please spare me the cliche responses 'a lot of women have body hair' 'no one has the same upbringing' 'there's no one way to be a woman' 'there are kids dying in gaza fucking get over yourself and be grateful'. you are correct on all counts. 'get laser hair removal / FFS' idk if i'll EVER be able to afford that.
maybe i should post this in ask cisgender since it's hardly trans specific. what do you do when the version of yourself you WANT to be, desperately, is simply incompatible with the person you actually are? how do you make peace with who you are even when you hate it? is transition even worth it if i don't even reach HALF of who i want to be?
edit: i literally titled this post 'i wanna be cis and can't be. what now?' and genuinely getting so many replies like 'sorry to break it to you, but you can't be cis.' i'm convinced a ton of you assholes didn't actually read this post. just made an assumption about me and are engaging with that imaginary post.