u/hatetavgud

grasslands used to be my favourite scent ever and i feel like ive tried out so many different kinds at this point and nothing has really hit the same. it was so spicey and warm and a bit sweet without being overwhelming, and other scents ive hoped would be close were way too sweet and vanilla-ish or fruity. i do like the smell of apples and citrus just not on my body lol anyways, has anybody found a scent similar to grassland?

its my first time posting here so sorry if its not allowed or something, i just dont know where else to go or what to do about this and it bothering me a lot lately

i was hoping T would help me with these feelings the closer i got to passing, i go to male bathrooms with no issue, i get called sir and boss so im pretty sure i pass pretty throughly atp. im 24 and still a virgin by choice but i want to be with another man so bad and in general just be around other queer guys but i feel like a mockery. i feel like im disgusting and i dont belong around real men and i always get cold feet whenever im chatting with guys online, i cant even get to the point of a hookup.

i always knew i was gay but pre T i was pretty resigned that id be having unfulfilling PIV sex heterosexual style for the rest of my life cause that felt like my only option as i didnt want to come to terms with my desires, post T my libido has sky rocketed and i cant really ignore it anymore. but i feel disgusting, i feel like a sick woman with a fetish and not like a gay man and thats all ill be viewed as. i know thats not reality and ive even had a cis male friend assure me there are plenty of cis men who like trans guys but it doesnt stop something ive had beaten into my head since i was still basically a child first learning i was trans.

its not really about other people but about how i view myself, i just dont know how to stop. i hate myself a lot and i feel so gross after i watch gay porn both because i just think about how weird and fucked up i am, i dont understand why im turned on by any of this i feel so ashamed of the way i like men i wish i could just have been born a normal straight girl without these disgusting desires but im this weird fucked up half-man with a pussy who will never know what it feels like to be inside another man let alone that i could even properly please anyone, since id have to use a fake cock that will never live up to the real thing. i dont feel like ill ever be a real man and im scared to be around cis men whether they know im trans or not, deep down i feel like a mockery and a predator

basically how do i go about fixing my brain is a lobotomy my only option at this point or what