u/glowy-ad9277

Leadership and behavioral help agreed to help me get out. Changes were made to my unit, duties, and personal life which is understandable with the things I’ve been through the past few weeks. They are heavily invested in “making sure they help me” but they’re making me making me more suicidal. I think about ending it all everyday now but at the same time I shouldn’t since the main stressor could be over. I regret ever enlisting. Worst mistake of my life. And now I have to keep lying to BH that I’m fine and to leave me alone so they can leave me alone. I wish I just paid for a private therapist and continued working. I wish I never asked the military for help. I’m calling 988 every other day cuz I got no one to talk to. And I still never told my family about any of this.

Basically, after two days of getting out of the psych ward, I put myself back in because I flipped out and didn’t like anything they were telling me. Not a good idea, but not too bad since my previous appointments with BH weren’t convincing enough to even get recommended for sep. I have a mandatory appointment with BH on Monday and I need help making sure I say the right things to get admin sep. My psychiatrist in the ward literally told me not to say suicide again tho and he urged/recommended BH to separate me. BH agrees too. Idk if my commander agrees tho.

My shirt said the longest it took someone is 8 months to admin sep for failing their PT tests. So I’m gonna give myself 3-8 months on when I could get out.

Also, if you can give advice on what to prep for to get out, that would be helpful. I’m 20F and live in a big city.

They want me to do weekly therapy with a therapist I don’t like and are forcing me to go to groups where I do workbooks. They’re also limiting me driving to work until I prove I’m safe. One of them literally called me out on not using sir or ma’am when I literally had a panic attack a few minutes ago.

You know when leadership tries to get you to stay in by talking about how bad the economy is and how I won’t get healthcare, the pulled all that today.

Please tell me what to do because I’m going to go to the ER. Even though I don’t want to do psych hold, I can’t deal with what I’m dealing with anymore.

Edited the post from earlier since it was too long:

The day I made my last post, I called BH and said I wanted to kill myself and asked for ERs, and they sent my shirt and supervisor to take me, which felt humiliating. I got put on a 72-hour psych hold (stayed 2 extra days cuz of the weekend), and while I hated it at first, I actually adjusted and didn’t feel suicidal there. I had to talk to the psych ward director (former navy psychiatrist) on why I was there because my psychiatrist didn’t have much experience with military and was giving me bad advice. Director recommended civilian care (group, weekly therapist, intensive outpatient), which I said yes too because military care hasn’t helped me, and she said it shouldn’t be an issue, but none of that got passed on to my psychiatrist. So when I told my psychiatrist, she presented it to BH as my idea and something I recommended. So BH denied all civilian care and said everything has to be on base, calling it too expensive/not covered by tricare (which isn’t true), and now I’m gonna be stuck doing group sessions and seeing the same therapist that hasn’t helped before for 4 weeks. Wouldn’t have been a problem if I just wanted to get admin sep but I was looking for real help to finish my contract. They even moved me to a new unit because I refused to let my shirt drive me to the ER (is that normal?). I also start work tomorrow. What hurts most is I left the hospital feeling hopeful for once, then saw uniforms waiting and my whole mood dropped. Now I’m talking to leadership tomorrow about what we’re going to do next and about admin sep and I’m scared they’ll deny it or drag it out. I hate all the “we’re here for you” crap. Any advice? If you’re around my age (F20) and dealing with something similar, feel free to PM me I’ll send my number to do a phone call since I have no one to talk to.

The day I made my last post, I called BH and told them I wanted to kill myself and asked for ERs. They called my shirt (who I don’t really like cuz I told him about my personal problems before he just let me cry there with no help) to take me, I refused, they got my supervisor (who I refused too) and even cops (who wanted to put me in a stretcher to an ambulance) involved, and I eventually went with the shirt and supervisor. I didn’t want any leadership help. It felt humiliating and they were no help before. I got put on a 72-hour psych hold but stayed 2 extra days cuz of the weekend.

At first I hated it (lost my keys which I found today, no phone), but I actually ended up liking it. I talked to people, adjusted, and honestly didn’t feel suicidal while I was there. The psych ward director (former Navy psychiatrist) recommended I do civilian care: a suicide AA-like group, weekly civilian therapist, and an intensive outpatient program. I didn’t want military care since they were not helpful at all. She said the military shouldn’t have an issue with it.

But none of that got passed to my psychiatrist. So when I brought it up, it sounded like it was just my idea that wasn’t needed. Today they denied all of it and said all the metal health help has to be done through the on base military place. They said civilian care for the outpatient care was too expensive and wouldn’t take Tricare (which confused me because the director said it would).

They also moved me to a new unit because I refused to let my shirt drive me to the ER (is that normal?). Now I go back to work tomorrow, have to do group sessions on coping skills/meditation (bull shit I already know), and keep seeing the same therapist I’ve already been seeing for 4 weeks with no improvement. Then after all of this, then they might look at other care. It just sucks because I wanted to use civilian care since every time I go to military resources, it ends the same: “that sucks, but these are the rules and regulations.”

But I asked to be admin sep after this. I realized that I should’ve never enlisted cuz I’m not cut out for this. I also need to develop a plan for what I’m doing when I get out cuz I only have an associates degree before the military but nothing else really.

What hurts the most is I left the hospital actually feeling hopeful for once. Then I saw uniforms waiting for me and my whole mood dropped instantly. I really thought I was finally going to get real help, and now I feel like I’m back at square one again. Tomorrow I’ll be talking to leadership about next steps and about admin sep. I’m so scared they’ll deny it or take a year to do.

If you’re around my age (F20) and going through something similar, feel free to PM me and I’ll give you my number to phone call cuz I have no one else to talk to.

My 3rd time posting this because it violated guidelines so I had to rewrite. I hope you understand what I’m implying tho

Basically something happened a few days ago where my leadership didn’t recommend me to do something, it was the right call though. I just hate how they were so nice to me, smiling asking me how my day was knowing they made this decision. But it has reminded me on why I should get out. BH isn’t helping because I do have thoughts, but i won’t actually do it. I’m a major maladaptive dreamer and have been making this scenario on ways to do it tho. But right now I’m thinking about just doing weed or drinking (edit: I want to do it to get discharged). It’s legal in the state I’m stationed in and there are a lot of stores. Another option is to call the cops to save me in time. I’ve never done drugs before and I’m under 21 so I would have to do research. What should I do?