I Have Support, but feel Unsupported
I (30 f) have a village to help. I have my mom and MIL (Both in their 60's) to help with my son (1 month old).
I've posted in here before saying my son has gotten better with the new formula he's on, and that's true, but he's still a baby and wants to be held by me. So that means a majority of the time, I'm sitting somewhere in the house with baby bc he will fuss until there's a bottle in his mouth or I'm holding him. There's been very few instances where he'll sit in his glider, and I can eat/do something in peace for a few minutes.
This morning was one of those times where I got to eat while my son sat in the glider until he didn't want that anymore and started fussing. I ate like 3/4th of my muffin and barely got to drink my coffee. This was at 10 am.
Then proceed to the rest of the day where he would take the bottle, eat like 1-2oz, fall asleep on me and when I try to put him down in his crib to sleep (with a fan going and in a dim room) he wakes back up 5-10 mins later and the process starts allover again.
So I've been having a hard time postpartum with depression/anxiety. Last week, I got put on Welbutrin and it has helped significantly but not totally. My mom and MIL were the ones to tell me to go to the doctor and get put on medication, they also were the ones that wanted to set a schedule to pick my son up on certain days (it's been all week last week someone had him) so I can have a break and get stuff done around the house.
Well today was my mom's day but she couldn't pick him up until 1pm so the whole morning I had my son (cue what happened this morning above). My mom finally shows up to get him (which I am VERY thankful for) and then proceeded to say that I needed to clean my floors bc they are dirty (we have cats and yes, there's cat hair on the floor). I haven't had time to fix the diaper bag bc I've been dealing with my son all morning so I had to rush to fix it once mom got here. She tells me to put him down, I tell her he fusses every time I do, I then proceeded to put him in the glider and he acts content, which then prompts my mom to say "See? He's fine."
I tell her that it's not been like this all morning and she tells me "He'll be fine whining while you do things." Then as I'm putting my son in his car seat, I start tearing up (just from general stress, the depression and all these fucking hormones), mom says I need to talk to my doctor bc I sure did act fine last week after I got put on my medication and I did snap at her and say that it takes at least 2 weeks for them to work how they're supposed to and another 4 to see any benefits.
I say goodbye to both my son and mom and then she tells me "Sometimes it doesn't feel like you love me." I then say that I do and I'll see them later.
I come back inside the house and break down. I'm home by myself, I called my husband to try and come home early and I'm trying to distract myself by doing chores, but this is so hard I feel like a failure like I can't thrive as a mom like my mom did and I feel like she's criticizing me for even wanting to hold my son so he's not crying/fussing all the time. I don't even want to call my sister and complain bc she talks to our mom and I don't want things to get more tense and rocky.
I became a SAHM bc of financial reasons (we would end up keeping less money if we sent him to daycare than just someone staying home with him and my husband makes more than I do, so...) and I'm honestly kinda regretting it (but not my son). I just don't feel supported by my own mom like I thought I would've been and now just feel even more lost in motherhood.