u/genieeweenie

I’m a full time student with a very demanding schedule and I’m in a long distance relationship with my bf. Most of the time, I am disciplined and focused on my goals but I’ve realized I have a serious problem. I don't know how to handle the void when my partner isn't available and

​because of the distance and his intense studies, there are long gaps where I feel emotionally isolated.

Instead of sitting with that silence or being vulnerable and telling him I’m lonely (which I’ve always viewed as a weakness) I’ve developed a habit of seeking cheap validation from strangers online.

​I’ll post things or seek attention just to feel wanted for a few minutes. It feels like an addiction like a quick dopamine hit that makes me feel powerful in the moment but leaves me feeling numb and like a fake person afterward.

I realized I’ve been using my boyfriend’s stable love as a safety net while I go out and chase these digital

can this be a recognized addiction? How do I break the cycle of needing likes or attention to feel visible?

​like how do I shift my mindset from vulnerability is weakness to vulnerability is honesty?

​ I just genuinely want to improve and work out my relationship 🙏

before I start please please please try to understand my situation, I'm writing this from a position of wanting help, I dont wanna hear aboiy how im such a bad person, i have realised that enough, I just want some sort of help.

I’m struggling to understand myself and I’m reaching out because I’m frustrated and scared of my own brain. my bf is very amazing,supportive and incredibly kind. we met online and been dating for almost 10 months in which we've met twice.

​Despite having his love, I’ve found myself seeking cheap validation from strangers online. I dont do it because I don't love him, Its because I have this massive inability to voice my feelings or be vulnerable in my real life. I view my own emotions like my loneliness, my insecurities, my need for attention as a weakness so I bottle them up.

​Because I can’t be messy or needy with the people who actually matter, I go to another place where I could get a quick dopamine hit of being wanted by people who don't know me. It felt safe because it was anonymous and fake but it led me to the brink of emotional cheating.

I realized I was using my boyfriend as a safety net while I went out and chased ghosts online.

​I feel numb. I feel like I only feel remorse because I got caught and that makes me feel like a monster.

how do I stop partitioning my life? How do I learn to be vulnerable with the person I love instead of hiding behind a screen? I’m not looking for someone to tell me I’m wrong again I already know that. I’m looking for help on how to fix whatever is broken inside that makes me choose a hit of attention over my own integrity.