u/gardenbuggy

TLDR: 33F high BMI, with anxiety/PMDD/ADHD, nervous to start, looking for encouragement and happy stories of success.

Hey pals!

My 3 mo prescription of compounded tirz will arrive tomorrow. Planning on taking it for the first time this coming week.

I am nervous as hell.

I've been on vilazidone for some OCD-like symptoms (intrusive thoughts, rumination, mental compulsions, reassurance seeking) for about a year and am doing really well. Adding an oral birth control this weekend to help with breakthrough symptoms during luteal phase (PMDD). Taking adderall as needed for ADHD.

Why write a post about this? Well, I'm real glad this sub is here and just wanna feel less alone.

My anxiety about starting is kinda in three buckets. Social, mental health, and side effects.

I'm queer and have always been influence by HAES and fat liberation sentiments - to my own detriment. I have been fat my whole life, but am now considered "super morbidly obese." I've been one of those peeps who has been mobile, active, and generally healthy on paper. It made it easy to really embrace these ideologies when nothing was "wrong." Recently, with some grief, inactivity, and significant weight gain, I've become so uncomfortable in my body. My knees are showing signs of distress, my other joins are achey, I'm experiencing some leg swelling, and I've developed plantar fasciitis. My all-or-nothing thinking makes me feel like I am bad or betraying every fat person in existence by using this medicine with the hope of loosing some weight and improving my bodily feels.

On mental health, I am in a good place and worried this is gonna mess it all up. I have a therapist and a great PCP and NP. Had an in-depth convo with my PCP who supports this path for me.

Side effects. What if...what if...what if? You shityourpantsandyourpancreasexplodesand...?

Jfc. If you read this far, thank you. Your girl is just an overthinker and I know no one IRL in my sitch.

Anywho, thoughts, jokes, poop stories, and words of encouragement are requested.

I recorded myself doing my morning movement routine. And felt 1,500 different emotions playing it back.

I have no real perspective of how I look to anyone else and it was so overwhelming.

That's me? That's my body? That's what other people see when I move through the world?

I have been fat my whole life. Much of my family is fat. I have recently decided to stop actively trying to lose weight after reading about how hard weightloss is on our bodies and how little long-term success there is at keeping weight off.

I want to focus on strength and flexibility.

And also...fuck.

I do not want to be this big.

Do other people grapple with fat liberation, social pressure to be small, but also want to feel strong and be able to move with ease?

Idk. I feel pulled in a million different directions in my brain and heart.

Looking for commiseration and thoughtful replies.

Notes for consideration: 33F - 355lb - 5' 5" - Normal labs/other health markers. ADHD - OCD-like anxiety.