Passively watching my life unfold before me, like it's some TV show
The world has no grasp on me. I passively watch my life unfold before my eyes, and nothing affects me. Hence, I have no affective life. This is what psychiatrists call « anhedonia » but no amount of antidepressants or any other kind of pill will heal this anhedonia as long as I maintain this passive attitude of indifference.
I think that this feeling, or more exactly, lack of feeling, stems from a radical form of nihilism.
There are several acceptations of the term nihilism. It is commonly used to describe people who lack a sense of moral obligations. It has also been used as a derogative term to designate atheists : those who don’t believe in God or the eternal life of the soul. In response to this, Nietzsche reversed the meaning of the term “nihilism” to describe those who denigrate material life and carnal pleasures in favor of the afterlife and spiritual edification. This is what I mean when I say that hikikomoris and a lot of people nowadays, succumbed to nihilism.
A lot of people aspire to the kind of peace of mind or ataraxia as the Greek called it that was considered the pinnacle of human existence, the « eudaimonia », the principle of happiness. According to the Stoics, once you’re able to distinguish between what is under your control and what isn’t, you reach a state of perfect calm and serenity because 1) if it’s under your control then there’s no reason to panic because you can prevent it from happening and 2) if it’s not under your control, then there’s no reason to panic either because there’s nothing you can do about it.
I think I’ve done it guys. I’ve reached ataraxia. In fact I think that most hikikomoris more or less reached ataraxia. Hikikomoris are the perfect incarnation of the stoics ideal. They are people who are completely unable to fulfill their desires or social expectations and beyond that, they are perfectly aware that there’s nothing that they can do about it.
There’s even no point in trying to justify yourself, because people won’t understand anyway, that’s why hikikomoris are content with terse, Bartleby-style replies: "I would prefer not to." Since there is no point in trying anything, there is no passion, no desire, no dreams left that could orient action. The only thing left is a mild feeling of « preference ». I prefer not to go out, not to talk with other people, not because I want to but because it’s the only option available. It’s a non choice.
Where does this nihilism come from? I think it’s an extreme form of resignation. Over the years, I’ve slowly come to the conclusion that I’m hopeless, there’s nothing to be done about me. Every time I get an urge to meet people, to get outside, to do anything other than my usual routine, there’s a set of automatic thoughts that come to my mind immediately. I am reminded of all the times when I tried to get along with others, to have fun with them, basically to just be normal, and failed miserably. The worst thing is, it’s not my anxious depressive brain distorting the facts, it’s true, even when I reflect on it rationally, I really am completely unfit for social interactions.
I used to be very angry, not that long ago and I still am sometimes but much less often than before… I think that’s because my ego hadn’t completely given up on me yet and it was trying to persuade me that this life, this existence was unfair, that I deserved more.
But the things is, all of that frustration, all of that anger it’s just too painful to maintain on the long run especially if there is no perspective of getting out of it any time soon.
So, at some point, it becomes a necessity to succumb to self-pity, to a complete denial of any form of ego or narcissism. I just accepted that I am, by essence, stupid, boring and useless and that there’s nothing that I can do about it.
And once this belief got sufficiently infused in my psyche so that it became an integral part of my automatic thoughts, the anger started to recede, just as all of my other emotions. In a way, the self deprecating thoughts are soothing.
That’s why I’m so detached from everything, that’s why there id this distance between me and others, but also between me and myself that I talked about in other posts. I simply don’t care anymore. I’ve achieved nirvana, I’ve diluted my ego and now, since I know full well that no matter how much painful it is, I can’t escape the loneliness, the shame and the anxiety, they no longer have any hold on me.
Events just happen around me and I don’t have any hold on them. It’s like a TV show. This is pure detachment from everything, this is nirvana.