u/fulltwisted

Hello friends,

I’m just looking for some encouragement and I guess a bit of validation that I’m doing the right thing and things will be alright.

I’ve been getting increasingly more unstable over the past 3 or so weeks. To the point where I’ve just seen my GP, gotten more lithium blood levels and am waiting for that to come back, and I’m awaiting the crisis team to call me so I can possibly get admitted but will see where it goes.

I apologise if this is lengthy I don’t have anyone to talk to and I’m struggling a lot to make sense of what’s going on. I appreciate anyone who reads this and I’m sorry if it’s a bit jumbled.

I’ve battled depression for easily over 20 years on and off before being diagnosed a few years back with BP2 (I’m now 31) but this one feels different. I have voices in my head that I’ve had for quite some time but have never been anything other than a muffled critical different ages of me. They’ve become more solidified recently, louder, more demanding and fleshed out. I can see them in my head now and I feel them a lot more than I’ve ever been able to before. I have a few of them, different ages like I mentioned, different colours and I can communicate with them through music but they are able to talk to me normally, I just can’t talk back.

I’m becoming less and less real and I’ve been dissociating heavily and my memory is beyond terrible. I feel as if I’m floating through my life on autopilot and I’m not fully in control anymore. Like I’m almost stepped back from my eyes and I can see sorta but I’m not completely there. My thoughts are racing but when I try to focus in on them everything goes black, as if someone keeps shutting the door when I try to look further. One of these voices encourages me heavily to harm myself and tells me horrible things to push me closer and closer to doing something. This is why I’m seeking help currently I’m just waiting now.

I’m doing everything I can but I’m exhausted and I can’t seem to feel my body or feel real and it’s such a sensation I can’t articulate or explain correctly because it feels so different to what I usually feel. I’m taking my meds, I’m trying to sleep, I’m going to work and trying to function but today just got too much for me and I couldn’t take it and had to get myself to the doctor immediately.

I just don’t know what to do or how to explain this to professionals and have them take me seriously because to me it all sounds made up because I can’t accept this is my reality.

Thanks for reading I just hope I can get some help soon