feeling like a joke of a man
well i could go on about the myriad of ways in which my- (non diagnosed because the dr who did my psych evaluation was hesitant on slamming a bdd diagnosis on me instead choosing to diagnose me with “ocd with body dysmorphic features”. lol) bdd affects me- ill just say- it basically runs my life.
but lately its particularly been rearing its ugly head within this relationship/situationship/not-situationshipcuswesayweloveeachotherandifeelitidkifshedoes/dating/datey/thing/thingy/thing thing. the lady in question is an absolutely stunningly beautiful omgjust dont even get me started really. now while its great i guess that this super attractive girl supposedly likez me! or whatever, its also a seriously sickeningly gutwrenching situation for me. i often feel sick, and withdrawn, feeling so unworthy of even the slightest bit of attention from her. i feel as though im breaking some kind of “law of nature” thing by really even thinking for a single second that i deserve to be with this woman. i need constant reassurance, which means me making myself vulnerable and not being this “big strong man” that i “should” be- (not like i care that much about that whole ideology or whatever i mean to some extent you should protect your woman and make sure she feels safe.) i feel ideally you should hold your woman in high esteem but maintain a balance of, holding her in high esteem but also not putting her on some kind of pedastool as she’s someone who you are getting to know personally, and vice versa, therefore maintaining this perception of her as being this illusive figure so far out of your league and such will well fulfill that prophecy. so yeah im doing exactly what i shouldnt be, while also seeking constant reassurance, and then also somewhat being avoidant, but not for some kind of exploitative motive, simply just because when i feel so unworthy and as if i “dont deserve” her, i withdraw and avoid talking to her because i feel physically sick just thinking about her. that part is bizarre i know. somehow shes managed to more than put up with all of this, she swears she loves me, she swears im handsome, yaddie yadda, i just cant believe it. i feel like this whole thing is a ticking time bomb. either shes going to get tired of me, or, what i believe is more likely, is that shes going to finally realize how i ugly i am. all itll take is one photo, seeing me from a bad angle, or in terrible lighting to have her snap out of it. whats so horrible is i constantly imagine this scenario where i have to watch her realize the truth, id have to see the look in her eyes as she questions her feelings for me and comes to regret ever moving forward with things. and this makes me feel so sad not just because yknow i really like her, but also because i cant imagine how awful it must be to think you really like someone and direct so much energy and thought etc into the person trying to foster some kind of relationship, feeling you have a connection, only to realize theyre horribly ugly. id have to feel so sad upon witnessing her realization, but i’d also feel sorry for her, which is crushing because its not like she’d care that i do anyway after that point.
theres much more to this but im getting tired of typing and putting energy into making sure i “check all the boxes” with how i present this. its so exhausting for me to write because im a perfectionist AND i also have a million thoughts going on in my head and so its like i can formulate each sentence in so many different ways and present so many different points and its so exhausting trhing to funnel all these spread out thoughts into something coherent so id rather just not can anyone else relate
anyway so yeah im not sure what to do with this whole thing
i feel like i need to do something but idk what to do