u/faeriewithaknife

idk...i've been cuestioning my current relationship a lot. i honestly since i was 15 pictured myself marrying a woman, but in my whole discovering myself journey i went from a "straight" girl in a catholic school, to bisexual, to lesbian (lowkey forced by an ex gf bc she was agaisnt dating bi girls), to pansexual. but well i fell in love with a boy and we have been together for 3 years but feels like actually forever. nowadays i feel like he's a close friend but not my bf...we havent even hooked up lately and honestly most of the time i imagine he's not a cis man...i love him but idk if i'm like forcing myself to be with him? like sometimes i have this dream where we are in a kind of lavender marrige, bc i have basically talked to him about having this married wonderful life but idk...i dont think thats what i really want.. could this still be comphet? honestly i dont even really wanna break it off bc i know my family would hate me and if i came out of the closet to them, they wouldnt accept me ever...so idk sometimes i'm just like oh well we're stuck here. (im 26 and sadly still depend a lot on my parents </3 ) idk what to do

just remembered a big embarrassing moment last sunday.

i went to a small music show and the woman singing in the first band honestly had me mesmerized. she literally looked like a greek goddess and had a voice as pretty as her looks. when i found her alone and near me i touched her shoulder to just compliment her voice, talents and looks.

...that did not go smoothly. i stuttered, thankfully she found it sweet. but i couldnt get 3 words out after the other 💀. i felt so embarassed. she thank me so much and i just aaahhh i wanted to melt so i just moved to a different space in the room. I AM 27 AND I STILL GET GAY PANIC HELP THIS IS EMBARRASSING. like i wasnt even trying to flirt!!! and this happened!!! 💀💀

thats it. i just...i daydream of being with a girl, from light hand touches, to sex tbh. i just i crave that feeling of closeness and desiring someone and then desiring you back. idk for the past 2 years i've been like on and off thinking about my first love. her.

she has changed so much, we only dated a little when we were 16 but it was everything to me. she was the only person to truly love me, not want to manipulate me, who cared for my wellbeing, who understood me. i miss the person she was and how much we loved each other. too sad it ended bc she couldnt compromise to be just my gf. u know The Subway Chappell song? i cry everytime thinking about her. her birthday is coming up soon and idk if i should text her. we havent talked in over 4 years... i just i guess i just wanna how how she's doing. i have always admired her work and i guess i would love to work with her some time but idk if its lowkey an excuse to try to get close to her again. idk..

i just miss us, i wish things could go differently if we could turn back time. i want a girl, i wanna forever get over her. i wanna experience deep wonderful magic love with a woman that gets me, someone who i can be myself with.