hijab made me feel seen in a way I couldn’t accept
I was originally going to make a post about how I felt like I looked like someone’s auntie every summer in hijab and how much I hated not feeling like a girl my age 😭 but I think it’s actually deeper than that.
For me the biggest thing wasn’t even the hijab itself it was how visible it made me feel. I mean, I put it on and thought I looked better in it anyways.
I didn’t feel like a person anymore, I felt like a label. Not even just “Muslim” but specifically “HIJABI” in all caps. Like before I even spoke, people already had a version of me in their head. I hated constantly having to prove that I am a cool and open minded person, hated the stares, hated the surprise at me having normal hobbies or being interested in certain niches, hated the constant anxiety and hyper vigilance.
I’d get that split second look from people before they correct themselves and acted normal, but I honestly don’t even blame them with way we’re presented, the reputation that muslim men have given the community - how could I? If anything they weren’t completely wrong, but having to clock that all the time is exhausting.
And I’m already neurodivergent, so I feel like I spend a lot of time just trying to be a “normal girl” anyway. Like masking, learning social cues, figuring out how to exist in different spaces. The first year wearing hijab I didn’t care but when it came back, it came on like a truck and it felt like I lost the ability to just blend in and be a face in the crowd. I didn’t want to be part of the ‘in’ group, but I didn’t want to be outside of it either, I didn’t want to be anything, I wanted to be a person like other people and just blend into the crowd, show my personality or identity when I wanted to but other than that simply be a boring face among other boring faces.
As someone who already has to consciously learn and perform, hijab made that feel even more out of reach. I was miserable and an anxious mess, and the mental impacts of holding it all in started manifesting into physical stress indicators.
At the same time, I hated how disconnected I felt from my own style. I’m not a super girly girl, but I had always alternated between more casual street style and more feminine clothes other times. As hijabi in winter I could kind of make it work. However, I hated how the more relaxed outfits like a sweatsuit with uggs or sambas looked effortless/clean girl on others but more like I rolled out of bed on me (hijab, no makeup etc.). I felt underdressed in those kind of outfits so I was limited to proper pants or jeans with nicer tops. I had to look perfect and never dressed down like a ‘hobo’. I didn’t have fresh heatless curls or a clean girl makeup look to compensate. But summer?? It was actually awful. It felt like my only options were:
\- wear some random linen two-piece set / maxi skirt and look like I’m 35
\- or try force my usual style with layers and long sleeves and it just looks off and uncomfortable (visually unappealing to me and a sensory nightmare)
Either way I didn’t feel like me. And it sounds small but it builds up. You see others just throwing something on and existing, and you’re there overthinking every move, every appearance to no avail. And combined with already feeling watched all the time, it turned into this constant hypervigilance. Even small things felt weirdly exposed, like shopping for underwear or just existing in normal “girl” spaces or any space. I didn’t feel like I could just be. I would show up to campus library to do the work on my own then leave late when it was less busy on campus. I didn’t want to see anyone with hijab on, new or old it didn’t matter, I couldn’t handle the observation at this point, and if I thought my mental or physical health was bad at the 2 year mark, coming up to 3 years it was exasperating.
I’m not even trying to make a big statement with this, I just don’t see people talk about this side of it a lot the identity part, the visibility, and how it interacts with things like masking or not fitting into a typical feminine box.
Did anyone else feel like this at any point?