u/deadgirlsociety_07 — reddlx

I’ve kind of made a post like this before, but it honestly helps me to get it all out. I still feel really bad about this situation, even though it happened a long time ago. There was this guy I knew when we were really young. We were each other’s first kiss. At first, we didn’t even like each other—he was kind of a bully to me—but eventually we got really close. It turned into this flirty, teasing kind of relationship, and he became really important to me. At that time in my life, I was going through a lot. There were a lot of family issues, I wasn’t getting much attention at home, and I didn’t handle it well at all. I reacted by lying a lot. Like, genuinely, I was a pathological liar at that age. I made up so many things just to seem more interesting because I thought people wouldn’t like me otherwise. Some of the stuff I said was honestly ridiculous, and I regret it a lot. I’ve worked really hard to change since then, and I’m not like that anymore. I’ve made amends with other people I lied to, but he’s the one person I never apologized to. It’s been sitting on my conscience for a long time. I hate the idea that someone out there still sees me as that version of myself, or that he might tell stories about me like I was just this “crazy girl” who lied about everything.
We’ve kind of popped in and out of each other’s lives over the years. In high school, he reached out a couple times just to check in, and we had some casual conversations, but nothing serious. Eventually we stopped talking again.
Recently, though, he popped back into my life in a small way. He sent me a friend request on Snapchat, and I didn’t see it until later, but I added him back. Since then, he watches my story every single time I post. He doesn’t miss one. Sometimes I feel like he’s just tapping through it and not really paying attention, but I still notice it every time.
The thing is, he has a girlfriend now and a completely different life than me. He’s always had a very different upbringing—more stable, more privileged—and we’ve always been in different places in life. I guess this is the actual confession part: I think part of me still likes him. Seeing him again, even just through social media, brought up a lot of feelings I thought were gone. His Instagram keeps popping up, and he looks really happy with his girlfriend, and I don’t even know if what I’m feeling is jealousy or just regret. I think it’s more that I’m sad about a friendship that could have been something really good, but I ruined it. And another thing that’s been bothering me—I don’t like admitting this—is that his girlfriend is basically the complete opposite of me. Like, in looks, style, everything. And I think part of that hurts because it makes me feel like I was never his type at all. Like I never would’ve had a chance anyway.
But at the same time, I hate even thinking like that. I don’t want to be the kind of girl who compares herself to someone else or puts another girl down just because I have history with a guy. None of this is her fault. She found someone she likes, and they’re happy together. It’s not her fault, and it’s not really his either. It’s just a situation that sucks to think about sometimes. I think a lot of it comes back to regret. I keep wondering what would have happened if I had just been normal back then—if I hadn’t lied so much, if I hadn’t ghosted him, if we had stayed good friends. Maybe things would be completely different, or maybe they wouldn’t, but I’ll never know. I also feel guilty because I ghosted him when we were younger. He told me he kissed another girl, and I got upset, blocked him, and just disappeared. Looking back now, it feels immature, but we were kids. Now, he’s just… there. Watching my stories, but not reaching out. And I feel stuck. Part of me wants to message him and apologize for everything—for the lies, for how I acted, for disappearing. I want to say, “I’m not that person anymore.” But at the same time, I’m scared it would just make me seem even more crazy, like I’m still hung up on something from years ago. And if I’m being completely honest, part of me hates that I even care this much. It makes me feel like I’m craving validation from him. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I’m posting things hoping he’ll see them, and that honestly makes me feel embarrassed. I don’t like that I still seek that kind of validation.
I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. I think I just needed to get it out.