after 3 years
it’s taken me a long time to be mentally prepared to send you this.
hurting you is something i regret every single day and i am so sorry. in our relationship i was clingy and reliant on you, my low self esteem caused me to seek validation from others, my anxious attachment style has ruined many things for me. what you saw on my phone was just this, insecurity, i needed so much validation from you so when i felt insecure i tried to get it from someone else, i couldn’t handle being away from you so i self destructed to spare me that pain.
you were right to think something was wrong, my anxiety and insecurity goes deeper. I’m trans, i’ve been trying to repress myself for years, living as a man has destroyed me inside for so long. only recently have i found the courage to come out, i clung to you so much because i was worried you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore when you found out, my messages with that girl were me preparing for life without you, to see if anyone else could possibly love me if you left.
i don’t want to live life with regrets, if i die tomorrow i don’t want anything to be left unsaid, i’m in a puddle of tears writing this message but i’m taking the opportunity to say it now.
i truly love you, despite everything, i love you. i love you for everything you are. my love for you isn’t because of insecurity or anything unhealthy, i fell in love with a girl i met in - because of everything she is, her strengths, her flaws, and everything inbetween.