u/contain_solitudes

Misspelling avoidant because apparently that flags me for avoidant bashing?? I'm not wanting any negativity or bashing on these folks whatsoever.

I had a complicated situation with a man last year, who disappeared on me without explaining why. I pushed for accountability, I think because he saw I was not going to relent on this given it involved some serious matters (which I won't give specifics on).

We finally met up last week and spoke for almost three hours.

He explained he was attracted to me but was not in a place to start anything. He said he replied to my most recent message to meet up because it was for a specific reason that wasn't dating (which I don't really believe, but I think he rationalizes to himself is true!).

He said repeatedly that now we've gotten together to chat, he would like to continue to do this as friends, and then maybe take it from there.

I am okay with this. I think it's a smart idea we start as friends first.

We plan to have coffee about once a month.

My takeaway from this is he understands he has serious problems sitting in vulnerability with people, and he is trying to change that...at his pace. I could tell this is new territory for him and something that kinda freaks him out.

So I'd love to ask for advice on those who have been through this, either yourself or something your partner had to do, and what helped you get through it. What did your partner/friend do to help you? What did you do yourself to help yourself? What made you change, if anything?

Other things I suspected were true and that he confirmed last week:

-he's a workaholic (why we're only meeting once a month -- I suspect it's also because he's scared of getting too close too fast, even though we already know each other well)

-he has sexual trauma from being lured into men's homes and having them physically proposition him, and from women and men doing highly inappropriate things to him at his work as an entertainer -- this is at least partly why it took him so long to meet with me, even though we'd briefly met a couple times prior, during which our "situation" began

-while I can't quite put my finger on the origins of this trauma, he is so allergic to the idea of being tied down that when a hawker on the street called us lovers, he was visibly uncomfortable, even after he said he wanted to see if we can go from friends to more. This is not just a me thing, as a year ago he told me someone confused his friend for his wife, and that creeped him out.

-he is definitely straight and has several exes (who are cis women)

-he seems to suppress his emotions almost on instinct, but I was encouraged by the fact that he was very open about his trauma, and eventually came to believe his apology was sincere and was willing to learn.

-despite the above, he is actually a very touchy person and loves giving and receiving hugs. He is a very respectful and kind person.

Thank you!

I owe state taxes. I paid off a tiny amount of federal taxes I owed a year ago.

I had a $600 NY state refund and a $200 federal refund this year.

I received noticed from NY state my state refund would go towards my debt, which I of course knew would happen; it's why I had more taken out of my paychecks than necessary.

However, I've been waiting on my $200 federal refund and the IRS website says I'm not receiving it because it's going to debt I owe either the IRS, the state, or another federal agency. They say I will receive a notice on it.

I have received nothing. I did not receive any communication from NY state about my federal refund amount being applied to it. I owe nothing to the IRS and I owe nothing to any other federal agency.

Anyone have any insight before I wait for 1-2 hours to speak to someone at IRS?

Thanks!