My bf of 5 years and I had an amicable break up. Maybe a little too amicable at the start. We lived together so I moved out, we made loose plans about how we'd split the rest of the rent/utilities (he stayed in the old spot) and decided to go no contact for 6 weeks. There was an event happening in 6 weeks(we had wanted to go to when we were together), so we decided to touch base again at that time. Although it was not explicitly stated, he would say things about how sad he was and how he needed to figure his life out and how he would be too sad to date again for a while. I expressed the same, I had a lot of internal work to do, but I had expressed I still wanted to be together in the future, as different and better people, and I was not going to put a lot of pressure on it but it was my hope, and he knew that. He told me he was open to the idea of getting back together. I told him if that ever changed please let me know.
Less than 2 weeks into no contact, my friends spotted him out on a date and also back on dating apps with a completely filled out and active profile. I was absolutely heartbroken. Actually it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I had been tending to myself, journaling, exercising - and still thinking of him of fondly. I never in a million years thought this man who I always saw as so kind, compassionate, a stand up kind of guy would act like this. I felt blindsided and had no reality to ground on. How could someone look at me and tell me they'd be way too sad to date for months, and then less than 2 weeks later consciously make a dating app, plan a date, and GO on said date? What else was said that was not meant?
I absolutely spiraled with this information and desperately searched for clarity from him - but he doubled down on his actions. I still think it is absolutely fucked behavior, and as much as my friends and family hate him now, and as much as I want to hate him.. I would be lying if a part of me didn't still want us to be together at some point in the future.
I'm just so in the thick of it. I'm trying to let the future I imagined we could have die but everywhere I turn is a memory of us. There's just so many memories. I am so heartbroken. I've genuinely never been this heartbroken in my life. I'm just trying to truck forward and work on being the best version of myself I can, and I have fleeting glimpses of hope but most of the time I just feel dead inside. Would appreciate any shared experiences or words of wisdom.