Hey everyone,
I don’t usually post things like this, but I think I need some support or at least to not feel so alone in what’s going on.
The last couple years have been really heavy. My marriage basically ended after my wife came out and started dating women (I am male). I’m trying to be understanding and supportive, but it completely flipped my world upside down. We built a life together, we have kids, routines, memories… and now everything feels different. I don’t think I’ve fully processed that loss. Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes angry, sometimes just numb, and it kind of comes in waves depending on the day.
At the same time, life hasn’t slowed down at all. I’m still running a business, trying to be present for my kids, dealing with a move to a smaller place to try to simplify and forget family home and save money, and just the day-to-day stress of everything. I feel like I’ve been in survival mode for a long time—just pushing through, getting things done—but not actually feeling okay. It’s like I don’t have space to stop and process anything, so it just keeps building.
There are also older things that I think are catching up to me now. 4 years ago I found out my biological dad was actually my mom’s fertility doctor, which really messed with my sense of identity more than I probably let myself admit. I kind of pushed it aside and kept going. (I have 17 half siblings and kind of explains health issues I have)
I also lost my dad who raised me to brain cancer 12 years ago, and I don’t think I ever fully dealt with that either.
Also the biological dad died in a plane crash 1 year after I found out. I kind of wish I got to at least meet him once.
Also we had a foster daughter for over 3 years that went back to her mom and haven’t talked to her since.
And something that’s hard to even write… about six years ago, a close friend of mine died by suicide in my basement. That’s been sitting in the background ever since. I don’t talk about it much, but I think it changed something in how my brain works. It made suicide feel more real and, in a weird way, more “accessible” as a thought, which honestly scares me. I’m actually moving out of this house on Monday, and I don’t know if that’s going to help or bring everything back up.
I also haven’t really tried dating at all. Part of me doesn’t want to, and part of me doesn’t even know how I’d show up for that right now. It still feels like I’m trying to process everything that happened, and jumping into something new doesn’t feel right. At the same time, it can feel isolating.
Lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, stuck, and honestly pretty lost. Like I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do—working, parenting, showing up—but inside it feels really heavy. I get irritated more easily, I feel disconnected, and sometimes I just don’t see how things are supposed to get better. That part scares me a bit. Honestly I do get suicidal once in awhile. I have a team of therapist, psychiatrist, doctors…etc
I’m not really sure what I’m asking for. Maybe just hearing from people who’ve been through something similar, or how you handled a stretch where everything kind of piled up at once. Or even just knowing someone else understands this feeling.
Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it.