Im broken and confused
Hello im well idfk.. I guess chaos is good enough
So ive had observed and recorded (got called personality issues when I was young identity issues now) issues since I was very young
And it wasn't till I was misdiagnosed in a chain as other things after mental health caused me to drop out. Till a Dr got to "its d.i.d/nsdd" vibe years after
And i spent pretty much 2015(maybe year earleir or later?)-60 days ago as a rapid switching system where my transition and social everything kinda stayed in a frozen limbo idfk state of conflict
And from sept 10th - sept 15th when someone close did some sexual trauma stuff to me causing collapse and relapse till Feb 14th when my ex did some trauma stuff
It was a chaotic shit show where to what I remember only fragments of that all
And then something happaned after all that from the 15th to 20th a crashout of new levels that almost entirely blacked out
And first thing of a true memory me remembers is the 21st asking why tf is everything so cute and childish (my room when waking up)
Everything from 0-19 is like its been turned into a book the emotional connection is gone but the "What happened and the timeline is clear, more clear than ever
But its like im not connected to it personally
It's like im reading a story book and there's maybe 1-5 pictures of it in the story but no emotions or connection just the facts (as my crazy head remembers) of what happened
And 20-now is like its there but.. redacted? Blurred? Like as my brain experiences new things it will blur blackout people situations info and more
I've seen my ex both them who helped cause this since happened and both their faces are still blurred
And its been 60 days now since. During that time ive seen more doctors then the last 5 years combined and therapists and psychs and anything I can...
Asking friends and even friends of friends if they know anyone
And none not dr or friends or randoms ive ran into have a clear view of anything going on and I feel utterly crazy
And that the world is pointing me back to the two who caused it for various reasons of they're the only ones who ik with similar issues or know people with similar issues...
Old me kinda fucked my situation socially with the alters and anger over them
And im lost i prob sound crazy
Or maybe info wrong somewhere ask questions I'll try to explain
I just need something >.<
Im lost and confused and it feels like there's a null empty blank void as.. Just me as a person. As new dr today with how I phrase a lot of myself, I view myself as an object not a person
Like I have a function not a life...
Idk my alters died but my innerworld is still around and In chaos with the alters just laying their dead
And a new me spawned into the madmax island and can almost puppet or loot the dead alters to get some info or skills but its not them and feels.. hollow...
>.< sorry for crazy rant