I don’t know exactly when it started but I ruminate about death every day. I spiral if someone younger than me passes. I calculate how much ‘time’ I might have left. I think about my car going into a lake or falling down the stairs. I think about my son who’s 11 having to grow up without me. It’s just ridiculous. I’m absolutely consumed by it. I’ve heard it gets better as you age, but not for me. I’m already in my mid 40’s and just had a birthday. I just stayed in bed all day thinking about being one more year closer to my end.
I am very sensitive to medications and of course the side effects make me think more about death. I couldn’t hang with Celexa because it made my medically controlled heart issues (transient idiopathic arrhythmia) way worse to the point that the medication no longer stopped them and this was on 2.5 ml. Yes, liquid.
I am starting Zoloft which is geared more towards rumination and obsessive thoughts so I hope I can tolerate it and that I find some relief.
I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for. Maybe just needed to get that out. If anyone has experienced this and got better please let me know.
I have a psychiatrist and let him know how bad this is getting. This is why we moved to Zoloft.