‘confronting’ the ghoster and feelings of paranoia
Partially a moan and partially advice (mostly a moan)
I was speaking to someone, asked them out, they said yes. I checked which dates worked and we agreed on one. They kept messaging me in an engaged way, saying things like “you’ll have to tell me on Friday”, so it felt like genuine interest. I feel like I can usually tell when someone isn’t engaged.
Then suddenly nothing. It’s been five days and the date was meant to be tomorrow. I sent one follow up two days ago asking if they were getting in by train and saying I could meet them at the station at a specific time. Still no response.
It feels like it might be antisocial to confront it by saying something like “I guess they’ve changed their mind. I struggle with communication that isn’t direct, I guess you maybe feel awkward being direct “ but there’s probably nothing to gain from saying that? And it might even be selfish. At the same time I do want to say that I don’t think it’s a very good way to communicate, or that it doesn’t match with mine and has left me feeling a bit demoralised.
I’ve ended up spiralling a bit. About six months ago I asked someone out and the same thing happened. I rarely use dating apps or match with people and make plans, so when it does happen it feels quite demoralising. We’re in our 30s so it seems immature to communicate like this, but I guess people just communicate differently. And you have to get on with it.
The paranoia comes from a situation about a year ago where I dated someone for just over a month and they became quite psychologically and emotionally abusive. About three weeks in they accused me of cheating because I made plans with one of my oldest friend (and not that we should have to justify seeing friends but this friend had also just lost their dad and sister so I was really trying to just be there for them and make plans if they wanted to). I felt like the person I was seeing wanted to try and isolate me. I wasn’t cheating. After I ended things they spent about two months harassing me and escalating accusations. They said I was love bombing because I started the relationship in a nice and caring way and then ended it, which they took as proof of manipulation. They said I was gaslighting them by denying I was cheating, when I wasn’t. They said I was engaging in coercive control because I broke up with them when they raised it, which supposedly showed I was trying to control them by not allowing them to speak up. They then messaged me obsessively for two months to the point I was nearly calling the police. I know I should have blocked them, but it felt absurd that it even got to that point. I had a shirt of theirs and they asked for it to be returned and I said I’d drop it at their house or post it. They started saying they were rarely at the house and they’d have to come to mine to pick it up. Without seeing how inappropriate that would be after two months of malicious communication. Their behaviour scared me. They’d write massive 50 long text messages saying how they loved me. They wrote messages like they were writing a poem. They’d say how I’m the most horrible person to them and everyone they’d spoken with agreed. They told me that someone who’d sexually assaulted them “even agreed that I was a horrible person”
Because they weaponised those terms against me, it feels like an inversion of what they were actually doing. Trying to control me, trying to convince me I was cheating when I wasn’t. The kind of behaviour people warn others about (rightly!) So I think that’s why I’m spiralling and feeling paranoid now, tht I’m up on some ‘are we dating the same guy’ site as someone to avoid. Which just seems like a further form of them weaponising quite serious things inappropriately. and it’s affecting how I respond to new situations in dating.
Anyway this went off on a tangent but writing it out has been helpful.
TLDR: is it okay to say that ghosting doesn’t work for me and that it’s demoralising, or does that come across as a passive aggressive dig. And am I likely just being highly paranoid. probably yes but I guess we can never know that other part.