My brother apologized
When I was 9, I engaged in sexual acts with my 13 year old brother that I did not consent to. I don’t remember much, but I remember not knowing what was happening. A few months prior, he had caught me discovering softcore porn, and I remember him holding it over my head for years. Once, he tried forcing me to kiss him, and said that he’d tell mom and dad if I refused. Even though I was scared, I refused anyway and nothing came of it. I remember the certain “looks” he would give me without speaking that said “you’d better do this or I’ll tell them,” though the things he wanted from it were almost always non-sexual and stopped being sexual after one or two times that they were.
The most distressing thing about it growing up was how it wasn’t talked about. At some point, I wondered if he remembered what he even blackmailed me about, because all of it would just be unspoken. One day, I broke and cried to my mom that he was forcing me to hang out with him when I didn’t want to, and he denied it so vehemently I thought he really did forget.
He did. He actually had forgotten. Not long ago, he talked to me and apologized for the sexual acts, saying that one of our interactions triggered him to remember it and he felt awful about it. Now I don’t know what was worse. I don’t know if I would have preferred wondering if he remembered or not, not knowing that he didn’t; or if it’s better the way it is now, not knowing which parts he had forgotten but knowing at least that I wasn’t being gaslit those times.
I don’t really know what I want from this post except to say it. I mean, is there anyone else out there whose abuser apologized? It barely even feels like SA anymore this way.