u/burnerbutterbetter

I've lived with it deeply since I was 8. She died of leukemia that had been diagnosed when I was only 4 and she was 33.

With that, I dont have many memories of her without cancer. The bald head, the IV pole. Always hooked up to some sort of beeping machine. Once of the few vivid memories I have is helping clean her IV lines with iodine. Its sad to think about and I think part of me just feels sorry for myself. I mean I was 8. She died 10 days before my 9th birthday I remember the moment our dad told us as an almost out if body experience. The furniture, the look on his and my aunts face as they attempted to give us a long winded version of events. Almost like he was building up the courage to say the words "your mom died." I've been angry ever since.

Now. I turned 32 years old a couple days ago. That marks 24 years since she passed.

I've been doing the math and making the comparisons and I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm now a year younger than she was when she was diagnosed. My oldest daughter is now 8. The same age I was when she died. My youngest daughter is now 4. The same age I was when she was diagnosed. I look at their faces and I feel so sad for myself. So sad for them. So sad for all the parts of her that were missed. All the memories and opportunities that never happened and never will. It hurts. I look at them and I see two happy and confident little girls and im so proud but part of me feels sorry for myself. I think about changing that IV bag as a kid and spending hours upon hours in hospital waiting rooms at their age with no nintendo to occupy us. I look at them and I think about how quickly I had to grow up and see how small they really are and it makes me cry for her and for myself. She must have been so scared. I couldnt imagine knowing that im leaving my babies. Knowing that they'd have to navigate the rest of their lives without me. I dont know how she did it.

I think about her often. Almost too often as of late. I remember when she first died, I laid in my bed and just thought forward about all the milestones she would miss.

Honestly though? I haven't missed her at any of them. Graduations, birthdays, even my weddings. It wasnt much of a thought. When I do miss her though? I missed her when I needed to learn how to shave, or how to deal with a pimple or use a tampon. I missed her when those girls at school were being cruel and I didnt know what to do next. I missed her when my first boyfriend broke up with me and I cried alone in my room for weeks without anybody noticing. Now? I miss her when life gets heavy and shes who i wish I could talk to. Its when I'm not sure whats causing the rash on my kids legs or what to do when theyre running a fever. I have nobody to go to for the everyday mundane and standard. I just wish I had a mother to show me how to be a mother. I worry everyday thay im doing it wrong.

I miss her most when I need a best friend.

I realized the other day that I have never in my life, nor will I ever, receive a phone call from "MOM". She'll never text and check in or hound me about drinking water and getting more sleep.

I feel eternally sad and angry for all versions of myself. Past, present and future. I know that life isnt fair. But this part feels especially unfair.

Just like the title says, the owner of the business I'm currently working for keeps asking me for very time consuming designs but then immediately takes my design, plugs it into AI, ends up liking the pumped up AI version better and then has me fix the details that it messed up like AI generated children, or funky verbiage.

Its an odd employment situation. Local smaller business. I took on a "consulting" position because I needed flexibility plus steady income. She pays me a great hourly rate, so im being compensated for my time but part of me feels insulted every.single.time.

Just venting i guess? Anybody experience this before. Worth noting the owner is a boomer and literally sends me AI prompts and instructions on a daily basis like "how to create and save a pdf".

This feels like my own version of slow drip torture.