Like the title says, I was born and raised female. I have always been considered a “tom-boy” by others. I love participating in both masculine and feminine activities and spending time with men and women, and don’t have a preference for either.
As I’ve gotten older, my style has become fairly androgynous. I normally wear big tshirts, jeans, typically paired with a flannel or other jackets, but I still love to wear dresses and skirts when the time comes. I feel like I have to have my hair long, because I feel like without it there is nothing feminine about me. The few times that I have had short hair, I felt awful, what little confidence that I had was completely gone. The only time I feel okay in makeup is when I do “trad goth” styles; basically painting my whole face white. I like to put on mascara, but whenever I try to do anymore makeup than that, or wear anything super super feminine(I.e. ball gowns/ formalwear) I can’t help but feel like a little boy who’s gotten into my sisters stuff. Distinctly, I feel like a boy.
Often, whenever other girls are around, I cannot help but to compare myself to them. I admire how feminine they are, but can’t help but feel jealous because it feels like I could never achieve the same. I grow to resent them for having what I feel like I could never achieve.
I have been asked if I am a “dyke” more times than I could count(which I didn’t even know people used that word anymore), despite the fact that I am straight. I think that it is people’s only way to make sense of my style.
I am not trans or gay as far as I am aware, and I do not want to be a man, but I cannot shake the feeling of not being a woman. Inadvertently this has effected many areas in my life, but especially my social life, as i feel too insecure to date, or to spend time with most people, both men and women. My self worth is at an all time low, and it has never been high to begin with.
How do I make sense of these feelings, and validate my femininity without changing my style? How do I integrate stuff like makeup into my routine without feeling out of place? I want to feel confident as myself, but can’t help but hate myself and my appearance so much that i don’t feel like I deserve it.