Am I overreacting over hair ties, or is this a bigger boundary issue with my 15-year-old stepdaughter?
Our bedroom is generally an open space for all the kids. They come in, talk to us, hang out, etc., and that’s not the issue. The issue is that my 15-year-old stepdaughter keeps touching and using my personal things without asking, even after this has been discussed before.
There are two bigger reasons this bothers me.
First, there are ongoing hygiene issues. She often doesn’t flush after pooping, doesn’t consistently wash her hands, comes home from soccer and goes straight into communal food, leaves food wrappers on the floor, has left used mini pads on the floor in her bedroom, and leaves soiled underwear mixed in with clean clothes. I know I’m more sensitive about germs than some people, so I try to check myself, but I think it’s reasonable not to want my personal hygiene/beauty items touched without permission.
Second, she is very careless with belongings in general. She is materially spoiled and has access to plenty, but she does not take good care of her own things or other people’s things. We’ve found hundreds of dollars’ worth of gift cards tossed aside or even in the trash. She has opened and used brand-new items that didn’t belong to her without asking. For example, she took my 8-year-old’s brand-new boogie board that he bought with his own money, ripped the wrapper off, and left the trash on the ground outside by the pool. At 15, this feels less like a little-kid mistake and more like a pattern of not respecting other people’s belongings.
Today, she was in our room while my partner was standing right there. She had her own brush available but used mine instead, then started touching my jewelry. Then my partner started going through my drawers looking for my hair ties for her. I know a brush or hair tie can sound petty, but to me it represents the larger issue: my things are treated as available to everyone, even after I’ve clearly said I don’t want that.
I also buy my beauty/skincare items with my own hard-earned money, and some of them are expensive. I didn’t grow up with a lot of money, so when I buy nicer products now, they feel like an investment. I don’t think a teenager needs open access to expensive adult beauty products, especially when she has her own things.
I also want to be clear that this is not a stepchild versus biological child double standard. I have the same rule with my own daughter: she has to ask before borrowing or using my things.
There’s also a relationship layer. My stepdaughter and I are not especially close, despite my efforts. I try to be kind and inclusive, but I don’t overstep or parent her the way I parent my own kids. There are plenty of times where it feels like she barely wants to acknowledge me, so it feels strange and unfair to be kept at arm’s length relationally while my personal belongings are treated as available for use.
I’m not trying to be cold or territorial. I just want my personal belongings, especially hygiene and beauty items, to be respected.
Am I overreacting? How would you handle this with both the child and the bio parent without turning it into a bigger conflict?