u/blacKkcat12

I recently had to cut off a friend who I think is a narcissist. I took my distances over time once I realized something was very wrong with her, the first thing being : never apologizing. Never even thinking she’s in the wrong. DARVO in every single fight. Of course I received the most violent text when she understood I was gone and not negociating a conversation anymore. I was deleted everywhere, blocked, etc.

We have mutual friends. Most of them are just silent, either not really speaking to me anymore or hearing what happened but not « taking sides ». It’s slowly killing me. I already went through a major traumatic loss before this narcissistic friend because I was in a romantic relationship with a friend of her who had very abusive behaviors during and after the relationship. So losing everyone around her is affecting me very much. It makes me think I’m the problem of course.

Only one mutual friend told her she acted badly and it triggered an explosion of violence from the narcissistic friend. She was accused of harassing and intimidating her by saying to the narc that she should apologize to me. Everything blew up and took insane proportions. In many different texts the narc said I invented my traumas and was destroying everyone around me.

Another mutual friend is caught up in this and despite recognizing the violence of this narc friend, he doesn’t want to take sides. When I shared the texts with him (that are extremely violent) he said it was horrible but his answer was : « I’m not gonna hate her like you wish i did ». Something shifted for me. I understood her grip was so deep he was incapable to see her violence as the only real issue. I love this friend very much and he’s been very supportive but I feel that his incapacity to openly blame her is gonna cost us our friendship. It doesn’t matter how many proof I give him he still talks about « perceptions ». What can I do ? How do narc have such an influence on people ? I feel I’m gonna be the one who leaves again and will end up with almost no friends.

I recently had to cut off a friend who I think is a narcissist. I took my distances over time once I realized something was very wrong with her, the first thing being : never apologizing. Never even thinking she’s in the wrong. DARVO in every single fight. Of course I received the most violent text when she understood I was gone and not negociating a conversation anymore. I was deleted everywhere, blocked, etc.

We have mutual friends. Most of them are just silent, either not really speaking to me anymore or hearing what happened but not « taking sides ». It’s slowly killing me. I already went through a major traumatic loss before this narcissistic friend because I was in a romantic relationship with a friend of her who had very abusive behaviors during and after the relationship. So losing everyone around her is affecting me very much. It makes me think I’m the problem of course.

Only one mutual friend told her she acted badly and it triggered an explosion of violence from the narcissistic friend. She was accused of harassing and intimidating her by saying to the narc that she should apologize to me. Everything blew up and took insane proportions. In many different texts the narc said I invented my traumas and was destroying everyone around me.

Another mutual friend is caught up in this and despite recognizing the violence of this narc friend, he doesn’t want to take sides. When I shared the texts with him (that are extremely violent) he said it was horrible but his answer was : « I’m not gonna hate her like you wish i did ». Something shifted for me. I understood her grip was so deep he was incapable to see her violence as the only real issue. I love this friend very much and he’s been very supportive but I feel that his incapacity to openly blame her is gonna cost us our friendship. It doesn’t matter how many proof I give him he still talks about « perceptions ». What can I do ? How do narc have such an influence on people ? I feel I’m gonna be the one who leaves again and will end up with almost no friends.

I believe I’m dealing with someone who’s a narcissist and is making me believe I may be one.

It’s not the first time I’m having these thoughts because I was raised by a narcissist (my mom) and while I spent years to process and analyze it in therapy I do know she gave me some narcissistic traits. Since I did the work I’m trying my best to look at my own behaviors and question myself, probably too much cause the last years I’ve been very quick to take responsability in fights with people because I’m so scared to be like my mom. On top of that, I have ADHD and CPTSD so I have been gaslighted my whole life about my feelings.

I’m dealing with a very serious situation right now where somebody is saying I’m destroying others, exaggerating what happened to me, etc… all because I’m speaking up about abuse I’ve been through (and using this word). How do I know if I’m making it more than it is ? I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Hello,

This is a full long vent post. I’m in a situation with an ex friend who I think is a narcissist that has taking huge proportions and I need external opinions.

First of all, I met many narcissists in my life, my mom being the first one. It affected my whole life and I set firm boundaries a few years ago and did NC with her and one of my sisters for 6 months. Since then, she seems to understand she can’t cross boundaries with me anymore even though she perpetrates her abuse on others all the time.

I went through a traumatic breakup last year with someone who had very abusive behaviors, during and after the relationship. Withdrawing, giving the silent treatment for days whenever he was doubting the relationship because I had been vulnerable and and using DARVO in most fights. Love bombing me like crazy afterwards.

When he broke up, it was right after talking about our future and meeting my parents and when the abusive behaviors seemed to be going away. To leave, he said he didn’t love me and never did after a year together. I had very serious health issues from this and thought I would die.

This guy and I had a friend in common. I’ve been friends with her for 11 years. I started to see red flags a few years ago when I noticed she would never apologize in fights. Pure DARVO as well, always flipping the script and make it about her, no matter how hard I tried to communicate calmly and respectfully. I noticed she wouldn’t apologize… to no one ever. And that no one would EVER stand up to her.

Things shifted after the breakup with her friend. She made me understand my pain was too much (without ever telling it this way, circling around it, trying to use my weak spot : I’m always scared not to take responsability and put my feelings on others). She refused to see him as an abuser and instead said I was always devastated after breakups and chose to stay with him during the relationship, no matter the « bad » behaviors. For months things were tensed, and anytime I would try to explain to her I was hurt she would make me the perpetrator. Saying I « punished » her with my silence (when I was hurt by her and needed a bit of time), saying she was horrified and hurting so much if I even dared to tell her I didn’t feel good in our friendship. It always came back to her feelings even though her behavior was the original issue.

At first I was validating her feelings every time while trying to reassert mine. At some point I felt I was done, completely drained by this and starting to resent her. I slowly took my distances and she lashed onto me with the biggest violence. Saying I was vengeful, hurting her on purpose, that I would never convince her she deserved to be treated this way. That I was doing to her what her friend did to me (lol). I sent one last text explaining I had already said everything the last months when we had issues and that everything was always about her. That she denied my trauma. I was deleted, blocked everywhere etc.

We have common friends and one of them read the texts, recognized her violence but doesn’t want to take parts even though he’s horrified by the way she speaks. Of course, with him she’s chooosing her words, talking nicely, repeating she doesn’t understand. I feel like I’m gonna lose this friend cause I have less and less room for neutrality. Other common friends simply never reached out to me.

One common friend, R, was actually very brave and confronted her a few days ago, simply saying she acted badly towards me. R was immediately accused of harassement, intimidation. The narcissist ex friend lost it and said I « invented » the gravity of things with my ex while comparing what I would have done to her with what he did to me. She said I destroy everyone around me with the way I react. She used every tool she could to make me question myself in her texts to R and it’s hitting me very much right now.

First, the violence of her words and how she, once again, managed to deviate the topic of her never questioning herself to her being the victim makes me sick. Second, her words are getting to me no matter how hard I’m trying not to let it happen. I feel very cared and don’t understand how people like that are SO surrounded and how they can’t even think for one second they did something wrong. How do people around them not see what’s happening ? What’s up with people being « neutral »? What should she do for people to see her for who she is ? Am I the one not seeing the reality ? I’m losing my mind.