Am I wrong for not wanting to forgive my brother and mom after all this?
Back in October, I (21f) somehow found a way to log into my brother’s (18m) Instagram. I honestly thought it would be funny to snoop and see what he says about me. It really wasn’t. I found messages between him and his friends where they were saying vulgar things about me. My brother didn’t just stay quiet. He actually participated in those conversations.
I showed the messages to my parents. My dad supported me, but my mom kind of brushed it off and said it was “just a joke.” That hurt a lot. I’ve always stood up for my brother and tried to help him whenever I could, so seeing him act like that behind my back felt like a betrayal.
I even contacted the parents of those friends and showed them the messages. They were genuinely ashamed and apologized. They supported me more than my own mom did.
This whole thing also made me think about how my mom has treated me growing up. She has humiliated me in front of relatives, neighbors, and even my friends’ parents when I messed up. I get that I wasn’t a perfect teenager, but that still didn’t feel right. There were several times she crossed boundaries too. She threw a glass of milk at me when I was 12 because I didn’t want to drink it. She forced me to wear things I didn’t want to as a kid. She kicked me out of the house twice and then told my dad that I ran away. I remember wearing a glittery dress for my birthday once and she followed me around with a wet rag wiping wherever I sat because glitter would fall. Whenever I ask her for help she messes up, even for tiny things. It sounds small but it stuck with me.
She is also very obsessive about cleaning. It causes a lot of arguments because she doesn’t respect my boundaries, but at the same time she doesn’t even want help. I’ve tried helping her before, but she just redoes everything I do. It’s exhausting and honestly not sustainable for me because I have my own responsibilities like school and work. She barely treated my brother the same way through all of this.
I’ve never really felt close to my mom and I find her thinking regressive. I don’t feel inspired by her and I don’t want to be like her. We’ve barely had good moments. My dad, on the other hand, has been much more supportive. We actually spend time together and get along.
I tried to forgive my brother. That lasted about a week. Recently my dad gave him a chore, and he asked me to do it so he could go to his friend’s house. I said no, but he left anyway and I ended up being forced to do it. That just showed me he still feels entitled and nothing really changed.
I brought it up the next day and it turned into a big argument. My dad said something like it’s better to raise a pervert than to raise me. That made me so angry that I slapped him, and it went too far.
Now I’ve blocked my mom and my brother. I don’t even look at my brother anymore. My dad keeps telling me to forgive them and that I’m holding onto the past, but it doesn’t feel that simple. Forgiving them right now just feels wrong.
At the same time, I do miss how things used to be with my brother. I miss hanging out with him. But I can’t ignore how he acts now either. I feel stuck between those two things and I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if my feelings are valid. I sometimes feel like I will be an orphan when my dad dies because I can’t even trust my mom and brother. I wish I had a happy family.