i use gemini becuase english isn't my first language
|the short version |I was born in 2010. In 2019, when I was just 9 years old, I was abused by two older cousins. It ruined my life and left me emotionally numb and severely depressed. Now, at 16, I am dealing with a severe trauma response: extreme hypersexuality. Because of these overwhelming impulses, I made the terrible mistake of crossing boundaries with a younger female relative (I didn’t go all the way, but I acted on the impulses). The guilt is burning me alive; I feel like a monster even though I don't want to be like my abusers. I’m carrying this secret entirely alone, to the point where my brain started creating imaginary people to talk to just to survive the isolation. I desperately need advice on how to stop this hypersexual loop and deal with the guilt
|full lore xd|
I don’t even know how to properly write this, but keeping it inside is literally breaking my mind. I was born in 2010. Back in 2019, when I was only 9 years old, I was abused by two of my older cousins. Ever since then, my life has felt like a living hell.
The trauma left me completely emotionally blunted. I don't feel normal anymore. I struggle with severe depression, but the absolute worst part—the part that is destroying me with guilt every single day as a 16-year-old—is my trauma response. I developed severe hypersexuality. Because of these deeply confusing and intrusive thoughts, I lost control and crossed boundaries with a younger female relative. I didn't go all the way, but the fact that I let my trauma bleed onto her makes me sick to my stomach. I am not my abusers, I don't want to hurt anyone, but I am terrified of my own brain and these impulses that I can't seem to control. I am trying so hard to break this dark cycle.
Because my abusers are family, I’ve had to carry this massive weight in total silence. The isolation is suffocating. It got so bad that my brain couldn't handle the loneliness anymore, and I literally started spawning imaginary people/characters in my head just to have someone to talk to. It’s a defense mechanism, but it makes me realize how deeply broken and alone I am in this fight.
Has anyone else dealt with this specific kind of hypersexual trauma response? How do you forgive yourself when your trauma makes you do things you hate? How do you stop the loop when you have no IRL support? I’m exhausted from fighting this solo. Any advice would mean the world to me