I feel like I’m going crazy
Sorry for the lengthy post
I recently went through a break up with my ex-fiance of 6 years in December. Since then I’ve had a significant amount of life changes and stress, including a severe almost life-ending depression that led to a bipolar 2 diagnosis, and several other things surrounding trauma. I started to get these images in my head again (that have happened before) of graphic and dark/disgusting things. This time it had been severe self-h***. I want to note that I am not sui**dal but I have coped with these thoughts in other than healthy ways. In the past these images were surrounding brutal deaths of my family and loved ones, sometimes by my hands sometimes not. It was horrible and I felt disgusting and like an awful person.
I brought these things up to my friend who has ocd and she mentioned that she gets it because that’s similar to something that’s experienced in harm ocd. Since then I have absolutely been spiraling and I feel like im losing my mind. I can’t stop googling about ocd and I think I’m faking it but can relate to so much, but I can’t get myself to believe it. A few days ago I started making a list of things throughout my life that seem like they could be related. This is the list:
OCD
-Extremely dark and gory intrusive thoughts when i’m stressed, very distressing
-Triggers=Need to check things multiple times/count & anxiety + persistent worry
-Perfectionism
-Feeling that people don’t do it right so i have to do it
-Last minute changes or changes to the way i expected something to be that’s not within my control is distressing
-Struggle with big picture, focus on details and getting everything correct or i’m hyper critical of myself
-Overly hyper critical of self and have unrealistic expectations for myself and others (feeling like i HAVE to be perfect, i don’t WANT to)
-example: i spend an hour doing my makeup every day because if it’s not perfect i get very frustrated and upset, even though it’s small things nobody else would bother to notice; symmetry
-certain things have to be done a very specific way or it doesn’t feel right and can cause anxiety
-disorganization is distressing
-Patterns from childhood like sidewalks (I could only do two steps on one square)
-Feeling the need to “even things out” example touching one side of something and needing to touch the other side or it’s not right
-had periods where i constantly felt the need to check over something over and over again even when i know i just did it
-had periods where i had severe stress over germs and i would get the “ick” and feel the need to be clean, excessive hand washing and disgust about anything i touched
-consistently having body movement sensation issues, like having to “even out my blinks” or hyper awareness of my eyelids (feeling like they don’t feel right)
-very bothered by unevenness and i have to hyper examen things that i think aren’t even
-self harm intrusive thoughts
-need excessive reassurance and constantly anxious that I did something wrong and the reassurance is never enough
-obsessive googling, never feeling satisfied, I HAVE to do it. I googled things about ocd 109 times in 3 days. Realized that I have ALWAYS obsessed over things and felt like I needed to google it a million times to reassure myself or reaffirm
-compulsive checking (door locks, garage door, CAR)
-needing constant reassurance and when I do get it, it never feels like enough
-Rumination
-feeling like I’m always doing something wrong or anxiety about saying/doing the wrong thing. Feeling like when I send messages or am talking that I’m saying the wrong thing and I need to say it perfectly or whomever will hate me
-From childhood up until even highschool I would have these thoughts that if I didn’t do something or do something a specific way somebody I loved would die or something bad would happen
-When I used to close at my old job I would have to check that the door was actually locked 5-10 times before I could actually get myself to walk okay, then usually when I would be driving home I would get anxious that I didn’t lock the door
-When I was younger I used to have intrusive thoughts that were sexual in nature. Towards both people and unfortunately animals. I would feel extremely disgusted and ashamed with myself and wonder if I was an awful disgusting person. Sometimes it will happen again but only with people, usually friends or coworkers
-I have always had to have numbers in multiples of 5, or even. Odd numbers feel wrong to me and make me uncomfortable
-Recently have had intrusive thoughts of throwing myself down stairs or shoving someone down stairs when I do not have any desire to do so
I’ve been getting triggered by certain things and remembering more things I used to do and writing them down. I had an appt with my psychiatrist but I just need some fucking help. I can’t stop thinking and asking for reassurance from friends and NONE OF IT HELPS. I’m struggling and I want to know if I’m right to be concerned. I’m so stressed out about this