I feel like I’m the controlling one? Advice
My husband’s dad is passive aggressive, critical, and condescending. After a situation that really hurt me and broke trust a year ago he has been increasingly asking my husband to see our daughter who’s 1. Our relationship was good before the incident but I think it may only have been good because I basically went along with whatever my husband’s family wanted. When I voiced my hurt about feeling overstepped/pressured, his dad flipped it around on me to be my fault for “not letting people know what I’m thinking” and not setting boundaries beforehand.
My daughter was born at 1 lb 10 oz and spent a long time in the NICU and it was very traumatizing. I also almost died from eclampsia/HELLP/DIC and his family never asked how I was doing afterwards and instead pressured me to see their naturopath instead of my doctor when my liver enzymes were still in the 700s upon coming home. My condition progressed so quickly from preeclampsia to near death that I was asked to sign a paper that would allow my health records to be part of a study for medical research and I thought hell yes, if I can be a part of something that helps prevent or delay this from happening to someone else that would be a silver lining in all of this. When I told my FIL of this he condescendingly said “and how much did you get paid for that.” It was as if I was a fool for doing so for free, because with them nothing should ever be for someone else’s benefit unless you get something out of it.
There has been sooooo many little jabs over the last year and I honestly can’t tell if he’s just an asshole or if he’s saying those things to push me over the edge. My daughter wore a helmet for 7 months. We were recommended a third one but at that point her head shape looked no different than any other one year old. We already paid 2700 out of pocket for the second one and the third wouldn’t be covered by insurance either so I just trusted that the slight flatness would round out more as she gets older. My FIL always pries into knowing when her next doctor’s appointment is and anything else medical that she’s gone through. When I said we weren’t going to go through with a third one he said “and how’d that conversation go. You just said ‘I like her head being shaped like this?’ It was at her birthday party so I didn’t want to cause a scene but it felt like another dig. When he was holding my daughter she reached for me and he said “don’t look at mama” and turned her away.
The party was at our house and we had everyone stay downstairs and my FIL made up an excuse to go upstairs where our bedroom is and I’m pretty sure he was scoping everything out to make sure it was fit for HIS granddaughter. What if we had sex toys or underwear on the floor or something?? I think it’s common sense to stay out of people’s bedrooms if they don’t say it’s okay but my FIL has no concept of boundaries. He went in our basement too to “look for our cat” and was down there for about 10 minutes. It’s just weird and I know he’s secretly judging everything and looking through stuff.
Anyways, his presence causes me a massive amount of anxiety and I’ve told my husband this. He says he understands and he’s going to set boundaries but apparently his dad is going around telling people that my husband only sets boundaries because I’m whispering things in his ear and manipulating him. He’s been asking my husband to bring our baby over to his house to babysit alone while my husband takes me on a date. It’s to the point where I am constantly thinking about my relationship with my in laws and I feel like it’s my fault that we can’t all be a happy family. That’s how they frame it, that I’m the one in the way of them just being happy together. I feel like maybe I am just being difficult? I was a very easy going person for a while but after so many subtle jabs and blame shifting I can’t trust these people anymore. I am 30 and just want to focus on my family and not pleasing my in laws.