Do you think ayahuasca would be a good bet for me?
I’m an artist who has had a long-standing interest in spirituality since I was a kid (like many of us :) ). I had a kundalini awakening very young which led me to mindfulness, meditation, fitness, remote viewing practices which I carried up with me until I was 25.
But then at some point I suddenly decided that I just felt too energetically open that it became overwhelming and I shut that part of myself off (I really wish I had connected with more people in the spiritual community rather than just shutting off completely). I then went into this haze of addiction and depression and meaninglessness.
Another formative experience I had, was at 18 my first relationship was with an older Wiccan kazakh artist. I could see that the fast paced world of western modernity really fragmented her and made it difficult to connect with her practice - to a degree that she acted out in very dark abusive ways that really scared me. And so I made a conscious effort to never lose touch with that part of myself, exploring alchemy, Kabbalah, hermeticism all throughout my early 20s.
However at 27 I now feel really dead inside having lost touch with that part of myself. Like I already had a warning shot about how these things would reshape and fragment human consciousness, and I let it happen to me.
I want to do ayahuasca to learn whatever it has to teach me. In my mind, I’d like to reconnect with love, awaken whatever dormant energetic channels have been closed, experience greater creativity and purpose - but am also ultimately up to whatever she has to teach me.