Not doing so good
I should know better. I’ve been down this road too many times, always ending with the same desperate intention to get better. I’m embarrassed by how delusional and duplicitous I’ve become to get away with continuing using.
I’m pretending everything is fine, but truth is, I’m sliding deeper and deeper into addiction. I know that my life is better without it, I know because I’ve seen it and felt it. I run out in a week or so, push through the withdrawal, and finally feel like a human again. Joy, laughter, hunger, sleep - it all miraculously comes back, and I feel hopeful that I’ll be fine, and I’ll move on.
But when the time comes to fill my script again, or use whatever is available in the meantime, I run to it like I’ve never had a problem. I don’t even register the lies anymore - to myself or to others. I protect this secret at all cost.
I don’t know why it’s so hard to act in my own best interest, and so easy to sabotage all goodness and joy. It’s like my brain has split, with one part begging for help, and the other pretending that this is all ok and in fact probably beneficial.
I hate that I hate who I am and how I feel without it. I hate that I can’t get a grip. I hate that this has made me into a liar and a hypocrite.
Fuck.