u/badgrll675

I work at a DV shelter and I can say with a quickness that women don’t perpetrate DV because they hate men, but countless men abuse women because they hate women. I see clients of all genders and while I can also attest that abuse is not exclusive to any gender, the truth is that misogyny and DV/SV go hand-in-hand. It IS a gendered crime, that is why it affects everyone differently.

I also implore people to look up the concept of “himpathy” because I get SO MANY clients whose abusers will use that tactic. In my experience it’s actually way more common for men to falsely claim to be victims as a court defense than it is for a woman to do the same. The gendered nature of the crime truly affects everyone differently and I wish you could acknowledge that instead of the automatic knee jerk of “but AMBER”

It makes me so angry. My mom was a victim of DV and my dad did the entire thing, the claiming that he did nothing wrong, claiming my mom was the abuser, and making sure to let everyone in a 1000 mile radius know that my mom was an abuser. I’ve helped write restraining orders at the exact same place that helped my mom.

When people recognize the difference between “this is a gendered crime” and “only women can be victims” then we will move forward. But they refuse to. Because right now people don’t listen when women speak about post separation abuse, DARVO, and litigation abuse. They just hear “bitter women” and take the first chance they get to degrade female survivors.

I once had someone screen for our services and once I found out that we had helped someone file a restraining order against him like a week before, I went to my supervisor and told her I was not willing to work with him. His referral was TEXTBOOK DARVO. If not for confidentiality I would tell several more instances of this. Most of our male clients are not at all like that, but it HAPPENS. DARVO is even making it into advocacy spaces. The same supervisor (she got fired lol) was a firm Depp supporter. This is scary but no one would dare challenge the perspective that maybe women aren’t all liars.

I work at a domestic violence shelter. I started around a year ago and adore my job. Not long ago my coworker asked how my day was and I vented about how my boss was getting on my nerves (this coworker was not supervised by the same person). I was laughing but she looked at me and said it sounded just like an abusive relationship.

The next day I told another coworker about what was going on and she was also pretty appalled.

In that same conversation I found out my boss was a compulsive liar, like when she told me people thought I sounded insecure and like I didn’t know what I was doing. Or when she said people were complaining that my clothes were see through and I could get accused of sexual harassment. She spread unhinged lies about our director like accused our director of demanding people to call her God.

ANYWAY my two coworkers reported what I said along with other things idk. (Former) boss got fired the millisecond our director was back in office. I learned that the stuff with me was like…the stem of the cherry on top.

Obviously thank GOD she was fired bc the things she’s done to other people are despicable. I don’t know the majority of it but what I’ve witnessed has been disgusting. She’s fucked over a TON of our survivors and no doubt turned people off from us. She’s fucked over staff with her manipulation and lack of boundaries (she guilted my coworker into packing daily lunches for her). She’s landed people in therapy. It triggered some deep emotional trauma for me and put me in a such a bad place mentally that it severely damaged my relationship. I still get anxiety so bad I can’t leave the house.

But all that happened to my old boss is she got fired. She’s free to find another job and do this again. I know no one can really do anything else. I’m just so angry. I have to suffer these consequences every single day and she can just go on with her life. Like that’s it, I have to deal with the consequences of her actions. I can’t even wish misery on her because misery is her best friend.

Good riddance but fuck narc bosses 🙃